Monday, January 19, 2004
The Theory of Attractive Children
It's tempting to delve into politics in this blog, but I'm going to resist the urge, and instead, make some stuff up. I've come up with a theory that, um, theorizes that the winner of each Presidential election is the candidate with the more attractive children at the time. Given that I only really remember elections starting with 1992, that's where I'll start:
Clinton vs. Bush. Well, no matter what you think of George W and Jeb's politics, I don't think you can characterize them as very attractive. They have a sister, Dorothy, but I can't find a picture, and she was 33 at the time. Maybe she's a cutie. Who knows? And while Chelsea was in her awkward years and the subject of much undeserved ridicule at the time, she has since morphed into a "hottie", at least according to my brother, who attended college with her. So, much like Clinton, who was elected over Bush on his potential, we'll say that this election was largely determined by W and Jeb (is there another one?) being goofy-looking, middle-aged dudes, only likely to get uglier, whereas Chelsea was an awkward pre-teen, bound to grow up. Clinton wins.
Clinton vs. Dole. Hmmm...I'll let the pictures speak for themselves. Bob Dole has one child, Robin:
Robin Dole vs. Chelsea Clinton
Clinton wins handliy.
Bush vs. Gore. Ok, now the real fun begins. Gore has 4 kids - 3 daughers and 1 son. In the interest of space, I'll show who I believe to be the most attractive Gore daughter. Bush has the infamous Bush twins:
Karenna Gore vs. Jenna and Barbara Bush
Tough call, eh? Sophisticated or Fun? Apparently the American public thought so too, and, well, you all know the results.
So, now that we have this valuable knowledge, and have proved my theory beyond a shadow of a doubt, how can we apply it? Well, if the Democrats want to defeat George and his formidable twins, clearly, they should elect the candidate with the most attractive (preferably female) offspring. (Please note that I am in no way endorsing this horribly superficial system, I'm just observing that this appears to be how it worse. It's sad, but clearly true.) I'll let you make that decision for yourself:
Vanessa Kerry (right)
Cate Edwards (center)
Chrissy Gephardt
Rebecca Lieberman
Ok, that was short-lived. I can't find a picture of Anne Dean, Jackie Kucinich, or Wesley Clark Jr., or Dominique Sharpton. Of these four, I think you gotta go with Cate Edwards...maybe they've picked up on this in Iowa? It's interesting to note that Clark's the only one without a daughter. A guarantee of success? Or certain doom?
Clinton vs. Bush. Well, no matter what you think of George W and Jeb's politics, I don't think you can characterize them as very attractive. They have a sister, Dorothy, but I can't find a picture, and she was 33 at the time. Maybe she's a cutie. Who knows? And while Chelsea was in her awkward years and the subject of much undeserved ridicule at the time, she has since morphed into a "hottie", at least according to my brother, who attended college with her. So, much like Clinton, who was elected over Bush on his potential, we'll say that this election was largely determined by W and Jeb (is there another one?) being goofy-looking, middle-aged dudes, only likely to get uglier, whereas Chelsea was an awkward pre-teen, bound to grow up. Clinton wins.
Clinton vs. Dole. Hmmm...I'll let the pictures speak for themselves. Bob Dole has one child, Robin:
Robin Dole vs. Chelsea Clinton
Clinton wins handliy.
Bush vs. Gore. Ok, now the real fun begins. Gore has 4 kids - 3 daughers and 1 son. In the interest of space, I'll show who I believe to be the most attractive Gore daughter. Bush has the infamous Bush twins:
Karenna Gore vs. Jenna and Barbara Bush
Tough call, eh? Sophisticated or Fun? Apparently the American public thought so too, and, well, you all know the results.
So, now that we have this valuable knowledge, and have proved my theory beyond a shadow of a doubt, how can we apply it? Well, if the Democrats want to defeat George and his formidable twins, clearly, they should elect the candidate with the most attractive (preferably female) offspring. (Please note that I am in no way endorsing this horribly superficial system, I'm just observing that this appears to be how it worse. It's sad, but clearly true.) I'll let you make that decision for yourself:
Vanessa Kerry (right)
Cate Edwards (center)
Chrissy Gephardt
Rebecca Lieberman
Ok, that was short-lived. I can't find a picture of Anne Dean, Jackie Kucinich, or Wesley Clark Jr., or Dominique Sharpton. Of these four, I think you gotta go with Cate Edwards...maybe they've picked up on this in Iowa? It's interesting to note that Clark's the only one without a daughter. A guarantee of success? Or certain doom?
Comments:
Post a Comment
