In The Big Inning...

Sometimes I use this blog to complain about certain things. Instead of writing a separate post on all of the things that annoy me, I hereby present some laws that I would like to have passed:

- All poetry must rhyme. Non-rhyming poetry is fine, but it just cannot be called "poetry". It can be called, say, "pontifitry".

- Circling for parking spaces in a parking lot is only legal for as long as it would take you to walk to your destination from the furthest available spot. Once you have exceeded that time period, you must park in the closest available space immediately. You must take the most direct route to the available space as fast as possible. If absolutely no space is available, you may park on the sidewalk for no more than 30 minutes.

- No one may own more than 3 pets. Not even if they're cute. Note that animals being bred for food do not count as pets, so feel free to stock up on cats.

- Movie theaters MAY show commercials before the movie, but for every minute worth of commercials, the ticket price must be lowered by a dollar. Two dollars per minute for car ads or Mountain Dew ads. Trailers don't count as commercials, even though we know they are. In fact, while I'm at it, there must be at least three trailers before each movie, as well.

- As mentioned before, sending spam is a felony. Unwanted telemarketing will only be a misdemeanor, with a maximum punishment of 300 kicks to the groin.

- No one can ever mention the name "LeBron James" again. Ever. I don't care if he cures cancer.

- The Ten Commandments can be posted in courthouses and schools, but only if they are posted right next to a big sign saying "There is no God. Be good anyways." Equal time, people.

- Using a non-hands-free cell phone while driving is perfectly legal. However, while you are talking on such a cell phone, you lose the right of way entirely. People can cut you off, and even ram into you, and implicitly, you agree that all damages will be your fault. Actually, this even applies while not driving.

- All political offices can only be held for one term. I know, I know, sometimes politicians need more than one term to accomplish their goals. Tough. More frequently, they just spend too much time trying to be re-elected.

There, that's a good start. Maybe I'll revisit this later. Let me know if you have your own ideas.

Hey, you! Yeah, you out there reading this right now! Why don't you write in the comments section? Don't you love me anymore? I admit, I haven't been the best blogger, but a little love now and then wouldn't hurt. I need to read your insightful thoughts. It's the only way to build a committed blogger-blogee relationship. Real relationships have trust. Virtual relationships have comments. Do you think I blog for my health? Well, I guess I kinda do. That's a good point, to tell the truth. See, that's the kind of insight I want you to contribute! We're all a community here. Share with the group. Pretty please...

(Now I expect 27 comments to these post, and then no comments to the others ones. Jerks.)

This is my third post about TiVo, which, admittedly, may be getting a little extreme, at least for those of you non-believers. I feel like I'm proselytizing some crazy religion, but, Lord TiVo demands sacrifices!

Alas, I fear I may have given Almighty TiVo too many powers. It was enough when He started taking control of my phone line periodically to communicate with the TiVo mothership - usually, at least, it was in the wee hours of the night, so it wasn't an interruption. I'll admit it's a little creepy when I'm watching something through the TiVo (in all of His sneakiness, He can try to act like a normal TV tuner so you won't even know it's there...initially) (Given that I haven't purchased the networking package for TiVo yet, I'm pretty safe in talking about Him online - at least, I hope He can't read this), and He claims He needs to change channels. And, it's also a little strange when He records shows presuming I'll like them, especially when they're shows like "Dexter's Laboratory".

But, all of the aforementioned oddness was a minor inconvenience, certainly paling in comparison to the awesome powers TiVo had bestowed upon my household. No relationship is without its little foibles, even one with an omnipotent entity like TiVo. However, it seems that TiVo's original hard drive size of 35 MB was actually an intentional limitation, put there to prevent the TiVo from taking over the universe. In upgrading Him, I have unknowingly unleashed the full powers of TiVo on the universe. I fear for humanity. May TiVo forgive me.

Let me explain. Whereas TiVo used to have about 20 shows for me to watch, and record another couple if He had space, now He is recording ALL THE TIME. He never sleeps. I have about 100 shows recorded now. I pretty much quadrupled the size, but I think He is now growing in strength. Furthermore, He has so much of an appetite that He will record all sorts of shows, presuming that I will like them. I have 6 X-Files, 2 NYPD Blues (a show I've never watched in my life), Beat Charlie Moore (what the hell is that?), Kim Possible (I believe this is a kids cartoon), and all sorts of other random shows. I never watch them, not because I won't like them, but because I fear I might - it's all part of TiVo's plan to take over my mind by controlling what I watch. I must fight it. I'll also mention that none of my old shows are never deleted. That's right - He never forgets. He's a gigantic, pulsing, recording brain, growing in strength and appetite. He never rests. He is always hungry. He cannot be reasoned with. I am powerless to hight Him. It may be too late for me - but not for you. Save yourselves!

So, I'm balding. To any of you who know me, this is not news. It's been going on for a while now - I'd say about 4 or 5 years. And, honestly, it doesn't bother me that much. Really. I mean it. Stop laughing. Jerks.

Ok, so I've wiped my tears off the keyboard, narrowly avoiding a short circuit, and I'm typing through the sniffles. Seriously, though, it doesn't bother me that much. My main problem with it is this: The hair on the side and back of my head grows faster than the thinning hair (well, what's left of it - in the front, it's really just a small tuft) in the front and on the top of my head. Why is this annoying? Because it makes me look like Dave-o the Clown when it gets too long.

Because of the increased thinning on the top, coupled with the fact that the sides and back don't seem to be slowing their growing, I now need to shave my head every two or three weeks in order not to look sillier. (Or, sillier than usual, at least.) Fortunately, I did invest in a clipper a couple years ago (might be the best investment I've ever made, and that includes my autographed picture of Vanilla Ice), and so cutting my hair really isn't that much of an ordeal. Especially thanks to my loving girlfriend, who trims all the spots I miss. (Or, at least, she claims to. Maybe she just leaves it all funky-looking, since I can't see the back of my head, and then snickers as she follows me around the apartment. If she does this, though, she's quite innocent about it, so she either gets points from me for brilliant deception or heartfelt assistance.) Really, I have no other choice. In my younger days I had a nice Jew-fro, so it's not like a comb-over is really an option, nor would I want it to be.

So, I'm really not complaining. I'm not concerned enough to try any remedy that's more involved than snapping my fingers, so Rogaine or Propecia (what if I want to get pregnant?) are out. As are transplants. To me, that's just way over the top. And it's not like people wouldn't figure it out anyways, after looking at me balding for all these years. Like I said, if I could snap my fingers, yeah, I suppose it would be nice to have more hair. But I do save a hell of a lot on shampoo.

I've subscribed (or, maybe, made up) to the philosophy that everyone has a superpower, just that usually the power is virtually useless. Generally, I've found that if you pin someone down and poke them enough with a pencil, eventually they'll figure out what theirs is. Of course, maybe I should stop the poking, because it might coerce them into making something up. Nevertheless, the powers I've witness have genuinely been impressive. Mostly because of how they're usually always present, and quite consistent, but still rather useless.

My own superpower is the ability to have subway doors stop directly in front of me. This is actually moderately useful, mostly when I'm fleeing the authorities and run into a subway station, just as the train is arriving, and I save myself a few extra steps. Admittedly, this doesn't happen more than once or twice a week. A strange caveat to this is that I need to get accustomed to a particular city's transit system before the power kicks in. If, for instance, I were to go to Chicago, it would take a while before the doors would stop in front of me, but eventually, they'd come around. It's usually quicker if I go to a city that I've been to before (say, Boston). I guess the subway's more attuned to my door-attracting frequency. Actually, having the doors stop directly in front of you isn't optimally useful, as if the subway is full of people exiting, then you have to most out of the way. I'd prefer a slight offset so I'm standing right next to the doors, but hey, I'll take what I can get.

I've posed this question to my friends before, and, after a long bout of pencil-poking, they usually discover their own powers. Sadly, some of them are even less useful than mine - some, even, negatively useful. One of my friends has the ability to never be able to tell the age of a woman accurately just by looking at her. I guess this is really an "inability", but I'm sure we could construct some absurd situation in which this non-skill would be useful. Well, I'm not so sure of that, now that I think about it. Another friend has the ability to always miss the bus by less than 10 seconds. Once again, not that useful, unless you're the guy that just barely missed the bus in the movie Speed. Then, you'd be thankful for that power. Yet another friend is able to always time his arrival at the microwave with the instant that the food completes cooking. You'd think this was useful, but in fact, it results in a lot of burned fingers and tongues, so I'm told.

As it turns out, some people do have useful powers, but they're my grandparents, which implies to me that these powers only get stronger with age. My Grandma Judy is actually able to control the weather. However, she lives in LA, so she rarely needs to do so. Maybe that's why it's nice there all the time. My late Grandpa Barry had one of the most useful powers I've ever seen - he was able to find parking spaces at will. This power has only gotten stronger in death - he has now become the god of parking. If I'm circling and I'm really desperate, I can summon his power by thinking about him really hard and asking for his assistance. It may take a while, but it rarely fails.

So, I ask you, the three of you that actually bother to post comments, what are your superpowers? I'm sharpening my pencils right this minute...

Hey, I am all for saving money. More money in your pocket is good for you. You can spend it on more N' Sync CDs. And, heaven knows, they need all the help they can get. Really, I feel for those guys. But I think we take it too far sometimes, as a society. One money-saving mechanism in particular usually comes at the exclusion of all reason. People will trample the elderly and scale sheer icy cliffs in pursuit of one specific bargain. And it need stop. I'm talking about the search for cheap gasoline.

I realize prices are skyrocketing. Furthermore, I realize that the prices are somewhat arbitrary. I don't know much about the supply of gasoline, but I don't think it fluctuates nearly as much as those crazy gasoline barons would have us believe. Still, we're talking about like 10 cents a gallon. I know I just made some of you gasp. Put down the hand grenade and listen. Let's say your car holds 15 gallons of gas. Let's say for some reason that you work in DC and commute from, I don't know, Kentucky. By car. You drive so much that you fill up your car twice a week. That's 30 gallons a week. A 10 cent difference is 3 dollars a week. That's 150 dollars a year. "Wow!" you say. "That's a lot of money! I can buy 10 N' Sync CDs for that much!" Yes, I suppose you're right. But, please, continue to listen...

150 dollars a year is not that much, especially given the lengths to which you freaks will go to pursue said petroleum. You'll drive to the other side of the street. You'll sometimes drive 2 miles out of your way. You'll point out a specific area of town (usually the areas with the friendly ladies hanging out on the corners) that is known to have cheaper gas. You'll make a mental note of it. Gray matter ain't cheap, you know. Some of you, I bet, even have little notebooks you use to chart the places with cheaper gas. Think about that combined effort. Is it worth 150 bucks?

It's especially crazy in comparison to other things you WON'T do to save money. Do you buy the generic brands in the supermarket? I bet you could save 1000 dollars over a year by doing that. Do you shop online instead of going to the store? More free money there. How about turning down the heat when you're not home? Or going to the library instead of buying books? Knitting your own pants? Cheating on your taxes? All perfectly valid ways of saving money. And much more lucrative and worthwhile.

So, please, folks, get a grip. You're just fueling the fire, so to speak. One might even say you're pouring gasoline on it. Ha ha ha. I should die for that.

My co-worker Greg just had a kid. He just returned to work after taking time off for paternity leave. And, of course, we were asking how his new daughter was doing. He was discussing her sleeping patterns, and how initially, she slept for 4 hours at a clip, but lately she's been waking up more frequently in the middle of the night. Yeah, it was exhausting, but he said that it was really tough to be angry when he woke up in the morning and she was just so darn cute.

Knowing that it usually takes a while before newborns actually become cute, I asked him, "I know she's your daughter and all, but is she actually cute yet?"

He replied, "Well, I know she looks like a little gremlin, but of course she's cute. She is my seed, after all."

A little gremlin! Brilliant. Greg, here's to you and your adorable newborn gremlin.

Despite the title of my blog, I usually try to avoid talking about sports in it. (Along with religion and politics.) I talk enough about sports as it is, plus I know that if I mention any sport, Dave Shear will take it as an invitation to mention golf in the comments section, and I just can't condone that behavior. If it's any consolation, Dave, car racing is rapidly climbing on the lists of sports I detest, although I'm not quite sure it's overtaken golf yet. But, as usual, I digress.

So, aside from mentioning that the University of Maryland Terrapins just beat the evil Duke Blue Devils (Do you doubt they're evil? Look at their mascot!) to win their first ACC Tournament in a long time, I'm not going to mention any particular players or team by name. However, the NCAA Tournament is upon us, and despite the incredible overuse of the insipid marketing phrase "March Madness" (and aside from the fact that the finals actually take place in April - "Awesome April" ? Argh!) I can't help but get excited about the tournament every year.

I'm a huge baseball fan and follow it religiously. I'll follow football, and enjoy watching it, but that's about it. However, for three weeks in spring, I'm engrossed in the NCAA tourney. I don't like basketball - I actually can't stand pro basketball, and really don't even follow the regular college season. But when the tourney starts, I'm hooked.

One reason is that I think it's one of the "purest" events in sports. The players are all amateurs. Quite a few go to the pros, but the large percentage of them don't. Schools can give scholarships, but there are limits on those, and the perks are tightly regulated. This levels the playing field greatly. There are academic regulations for players as well. For the most part, the players aren't playing for money or ulterior motives, but because they just like playing the game. Furthermore, almost none of them are famous, so it hasn't yet gone to their heads, even if they're BMOC. They generally care about their teammates and don't act obnoxious or like prima donnas. It's really the way most sports should be.

Then there's the fact that it's a single elimination tournament, which means that almost anything can happen. Screw up once, and you're gone. It's really a test of who can perform under pressure. Yeah, teams get lucky, but that just makes it more exciting. To win the whole thing, you have to win 6 games in a row, so if you win, it's not a fluke. Teams get upset all the time, which just adds to the excitement.

The final piece is, I think, the office pools, which all you to partake in the excitement. I'm sure you've seen people filling out the brackets - basically, you pay a small fee, and the person who predicts the results most accurately wins the pot. What's nice about this particular event is that there's enough randomness to allow basketball-ignorant people to compete with the basketball junkies. Furthermore, the seedings give you good clues about who's a good team and who's not. Plus, since you have something vested in the outcome, if you don't normally follow college basketball, or your team goes out early, you can still root for your pool picks to do well. Add to the fact that it's all on a compressed time schedule - 48 games in the first 4 days, and it gets to be really fun.

If you haven't participated before, I urge you to do so. You probably won't have to look very far to join a pool. I promise you you'll be hooked. Here's a link to this year's bracket. I know I sound like a corporate shill, but go check it out. Pretty soon you'll be on your couch screaming for the Southern Utah College of Mines to upset Central Nebraska Tech. Madness indeed.

I finally did it. I overcame all of the virtually insurmountable obstacles placed in my path and I have upgraded my TiVo. I've almost quadrupled its recording capabilities. Oh, it wasn't easy. The road to the upgrade was fraught with peril. I could have been shocked from the TiVo power supply. I could have permanently corrupted my baby's hard drive, or ruined my home PC. I could have stabbed myself in the foot with the special screwdriver I had to buy to unscrew the TiVo case. But, I am a nimble geek, and deftly avoided all of these deadly pitfalls.

The fact is, as an early TiVo adopter, I had a box that only had 30 GB of recording - about 30 hours at the worstquality, and 9 hrs at the best. This is clearly not sufficient. I had to take action! After reading up online and finding quite elaborate and detailed instructions about how to accomplish this magnificent feat, I decided it was time to act. Lest you think I am a hero, dear reader, I do not want to burst your bubble, but I am a mere mortal, reaching for the stars only by standing on the shoulders of giants. It is the people who write these excruciatingly detailed guides that deserve most of the credit. These are the true patriots. I'm pretty damn cool, too, though. I can follow instructions!

So, after discovering the options available before more, the course was clear. I needed to do this. It was my Everest, if you will. I ventured out a bought a second hard drive, finding an 80GB one for 50 bucks. Not too shabby. I bought the necessary tools to disassemble my TiVo, knowing full well that it might be the last time I ever saw it intact. I bid it a fond farewell, hoping that we would meet again in the future, the TiVo invigorated with its incredible new capacity.

The next couple of days were a blur. There were many near-misses - I couldn't use a computer running Windows 2000, for instance, yet that was all I had. I needed to partition my hard drive, but had no tool to resize it. I finally downloaded such a tool, got a cracked version, and partitioned my drive. I disassembled my home PC, attached the hard drive from the TiVo and the new one, and used the downloaded software to run the necessary commands. Don't worry - I was wearing a safety suit to keep me from harm's way. The TiVo had no such protection, however. It was vulnerable, there on the operating table, its innards exposed to all sorts of invaders - dust bunnies, electrical storms, perspiration, and rogue elephants.

It was touch-and-go there for a while. Would the new drive work? Had I connected it properly? Beads of sweat ran down my forehead as I stuck felt furniture pads (as the document suggested) and used cable ties to fasten the new drive in securely. I nearly passed out from a virtually lethal combination of adrenaline and exhaustion.

I hung on. I hooked up the new TiVo. It seemed to almost bulge out from its casing, ready to be reborn. I turned it on. The comforting whir of the hard drive led me to believe that at the very least the worst had past - I didn't have to fear an explosion, for example. I turned on the TV - the TiVo screen appeared, teasingly suggesting that it had all gone as plan - it's ALIVE! I tentatively navigated the menus to see what the System Information had listed as the new size. What would it reveal?

115 hours! Yes! My TiVo has been reborn. It is now Super-TiVo. I cannot be stopped, for I am, and remain, the uber-geek.

I don't often get the pleasure of watching commercials, mostly thanks to our Lord and Master, TiVo. (See previous post for more detailed prayers of thanks.) However, once in a while, I have no choice. For instance, I was recently tied to my couch and had my eyelids taped open. Hey, look, when you're a software engineer, sometimes you have wild and crazy adventures. But I digress...

At any rate, sometimes I really wonder about the rate of return companies get on these things. How much do they cost to produce? To hire the marketing wizards that write them? And then, likely the most expensive part - the air time? Is the benefit really worth it? In some cases, it must be. Some cases, though, mystify me. Who came up with these things? Are they really effective? There are a lot of stupid people around (so I hear - I never encounter any of them), but are they THAT stupid? I've learned not to underestimate how stupid people can be, but really, can the following ads penetrate even the thinnest of skulls?

Beer as a Sports Drink

You know the ad I'm talking about. The one that looks like a Gatorade commercial, with people doing sports and sweating, and then reveals itself to be an ad for Michelob Ultra. I know, it has like zero carbs. And we all know carbs are evil - one carb is as bad as eating a full stick of butter. Still. Does anyone think of beer as a diet drink? As something that will enhance your athletic performance? "My Frank, you're running a lot faster today." "Well, Harvey, I did drink five bottles of Michelob Ultra before coming jogging with you."

Halliburton Doesn't Kick Puppies. Really

These ads have already been thoroughly mocked, but I really can't see them without laughing so hard that I start to lose consciousness. There are two that I've seen: One shows all the thinks Halliburton does for the US military, and ends with a soldier tearing up as he calls home and gets the news that his new baby is a girl. I think it'd be funny if they then showed the price of that phone call to be 600 hundred dollars, since Halliburton is grossly overcharging the government. It's really amusing because it's so earnest, yet so contrived at the same time. I know they're stuffing a lot of money in their pockets, but if they're going to make the ad in the first place, they might as well find real actors that seem remotely realistic. The second Halliburton ad is basically the CEO talking to the camera, explaining why Halliburton isn't all that bad. It seems so insincere that it's certainly not going to sway any minds. In fact, for those people that haven't heard of Halliburton, I imagine it'll just make them wonder why the CEO seems compelled to defend himself in a poorly produced ad in the first place. He ends with something like, "We got these contracts because of what we know, not who we know." Ok, I'll just take your word for it.

You Gotta Eat!

I just saw this today. It's for the restaurant chain "Checkers". Their tag line is "You Gotta Eat!" This may be the most poorly conceived tag line ever. Nothing about the quality of their food. Nothing about their service or atmosphere, or how they're fun or whatever. No, basically, you should eat at Checkers because you gotta eat. You can't just go around not eating! You gotta eat! And if you're close to a Checkers, well, go there, because, um, you gotta eat. And there are probably no other options. Unless you know how to detect what foliage is edible and what isn't. I hear that phrase and I picture someone really depressed, refusing to do anything. All of his friends are trying to cheer this person up, but to no avail. He gets worse and worse, and at one point stops eating. His friends are all worried about him, telling him "You Gotta Eat!" Maybe they take him to Checkers and he mopily eats a hamburger. They should have tried: "Checkers: We Serve Food". Or "Checkers - When There Are No Other Options".

I'm sure there are lot of other examples. What are your examples of ads that are a complete waste of the marketing budget? I'm not talking about boring ones (car commercials, life insurance, etc.), but rather ones that give a message so moronic or counter-productive to the aims of the soliciting company that they never should have been aired in the first place. C'mon, share with the class.

One of my fraternity brothers last year started sending out a ranked list of all of the movies he had seen in the previous year. He requested that we all do the same, and it struck me as a good idea, so I complied. It turned out to be quite a fun exercise - to recall everything that I had seen in a given year and get my own chance to be Ebert. (I think I'm more Roeper - I am a bit more shapely than Ebert, at least. Plus, Ebert's a sap. He'll stick his thumb up anything...I mean, for anything.)

At any rate, here's my list. I've tried to keep the comments terse, but, alas, I've failed. However, I will request that you all make your own lists. I'd love to read them, and I think you'll find creating the list to be quite fun. In order to do that, you'll need a list of all of the movies released in 2003. Conveniently, I got that right here for ya! Movies Released in 2003 Don't let me down, folks. If nothing else, make a list - no need to provide as much commentary as I do.

Overall, a pretty disappointing year. Few movies exceeded my expectations,
and many fell quite below. I saw a lot of crap! See below for proof. Without further ado:

29. The Life of David Gale

This movie made me angry. And not in the way that it intended to - it
angered me because it was so contrived, and so blatantly manipulative, and
such a complete waste of talent (Kevin Spacey, Laura Linney, Kate Winslet).
It tries to take a stance on the death penalty, and then completely negates
itself with surprise plot "twists" that make no sense if you think about
the movie as a whole. It probably isn't the worst movie overall, but it
certainly has the biggest disparity between my hopes and expectations and
what it actually delivered.

28. Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle

The first one was cute, and clever in places. This one was just more of the
same, but worse. It wasn't original, it wasn't clever, and it wasn't even
funny. Admittedly, I don't know what I was expecting, but the first one was
actually a nice surprise - better than I expected going in. This just felt
like a series of vignettes with the same characters. Don't make a third
one, please.

27. S.W.A.T.

I may sound like an old grouch, but it seems to me like back in the day
(like seven years ago), popcorn action flicks tried a little harder. The
Rock, Die Hard 3, Armageddon, Last Action Hero - certainly not
groundbreaking films, but all had something to offer and were original in
some respects, or at least well-executed. SWAT just felt like a film going
through the motions. Nothing new, not even good effects, and even with
Colin Farrell and Sam Jackson and LL Cool J, the dialogue stunk. Just lame.

26. The Recruit

This movie is only above SWAT because it tried a little harder. But it was
very contrived, and completely unrealistic, and I expect a little more out
of Al Pacino, if not Colin Farrell. I'm tired of the "twelve-twist" ending.
Make a solid movie with a good story, and you won't have to resort to this
BS to salvage your lame flick.

25. Once Upon a Time in Mexico

Sigh. I love "Desperado". I think Robert Rodriguez can do some great stuff
- he's an excellent "pulp" moviemaker. I have no idea what he was thinking
in making this movie. The part with "El Mariachi" is pretty incoherent.
Johnny Depp is fantastic, but his story is completely incongruous with the
Mariachi's. I have no idea why they were in the same movie. This is ranked
so low because it had so much potential, especially given how impressive
Desperado was, and the addition of Johnny Depp could have carried the
series to greater heights. Instead, it just illustrated how lame the rest
of the picture was.

24. Old School

Funny, but quite uneven. I like my comedies to be movies that I want to
watch over and over again because they have a few fantastically funny
scenes. While I laughed somewhat often, it wasn't enough. Will Ferrell was
great, and Vince Vaughn can be good at times. Luke Wilson, on the other
hand, is usually pretty weak. I think I was frustrated by the fact that
this movie had a lot of potential and failed to live up to it. Jeremy Piven
rocks, though.

23. The Rundown

Clever in parts, but ultimately predictable, and very silly. The Rock was
pretty good, as far as stoic action heroes go. Seann William Scott needs to
die. He's really quite talentless. I like the fact that this movie didn't
take itself seriously - that's what makes it a step about SWAT and The
Recruit. Nevertheless, it's still a generic, predictable action movie.

22. The Matrix Reloaded

I've discussed the merits (and deficits) of this movie at great length, but
I'll try and summarize. First of all, in the context of the trilogy, it
makes the least sense. It brings up interesting ideas and then just ignores
them in the third movie. I won't deny that the effects are magnificent -
the highway chase might be the most impressive 15 minutes of film special
effects I've ever seen (and that's including LOTR, but it would be a good
contest between the two). As a movie unto itself, it really can't stand
alone - and not because of the silly cliffhanger ending, but because it
doesn't have a story structure at all. The climax occurs when Neo meets the
Architect and we get 10 minutes of monotonic discussion. Any movie that
requires that exposition (and then wastes it!) really isn't doing what it's
supposed to. The second time I watched it, I appreciated it more, because I
knew what plotlines and concepts I could safely ignore, comfortable that
they would never resolve themselves.

21. Phone Booth

Clever high concept idea. Nice and compact. Bonus points for excellent use
of Kiefer Sutherland. Minus points for being silly. Still, it entertained
me for an hour and a half and had a moderate amount of tension, so it's
higher than the other standard action movies on this list.

20. Better Luck Tomorrow

I don't know if it's possible to overestimate the effect that Reservoir
Dogs has had on young filmmakers. This certainly isn't a rip-off of
Reservoir Dogs, but it definitely owes Tarantino a debt of gratitude. For
those of you that have no idea what this movie is about, basically, it an
indie movie that consists of an almost entirely an Asian-American cast, the
main characters being 4 or 5 high school kids. They're all overachievers,
with disconnected families, and they get bored with the standard challenges
of high school, so they move on to more "exciting" things, like burglary
and drugs. It's original, and a bit different, but ultimately had too much
of the "indie" feel and didn't really go anywhere. A nice debut for the
director, though, who at least had some original ideas - he just beats his
audience over the head with them. A decent rental if you're in the right mood.

19. Bruce Almighty

Cute movie. And, honestly, I have a thing for Jennifer Aniston. Good high
concept, with Carrey returning to his roots in goofy comedy. If he made a
movie like this every couple of years, I don't think I'd have a problem
with that. It certainly wasn't fantastic. It's annoying that they felt the
need to teach a lesson, but I think we all expected that. In retrospect,
Ace Ventura was much better than we all give it credit for.

18. About Schmidt

This movie is proof that good acting alone cannot carry a movie. It seems
there are more and more movies like this these days - critically acclaimed
for some fantastic, expectation-bucking performance, but the movie as a
whole is a letdown. Jack Nicholson is great, but ultimately, this movie is
just slow and depressing. I usually complain about things that seem
contrived, but this movie could have used some contrivance to keep it
interesting. Many describe the Kathy Bates nudity as "brave". I'd use the
term "unnecessary".

17. Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World

This movie was OK. That's it. Not great, not a Best Picture contender, just
ok. Nice effects, decent story, kind of slow plot, just fine acting. I left
it completely ambivalent about what I had just seen. I can't imagine why
it's a Best Picture nominee. Because of Russell Crowe? Because it's
supposed to be epic in scale? Do the voters even watch these movies?

16. The Cooler

I expected a bit more out of this movie, but overall, it's a quality work.
It just felt a bit predictable, like it had been done before. William H.
Macy is great, and Alec Baldwin is good - I don't have an argument about
his Oscar nomination, although I might not have chosen him. This movie has
a weird tone - muted Vegas glitz and glamour ambiance, with quirky
fantasy-type occurrences, and then some dreary indie movie moments as well.
Worth watching, but it won't blow you away.

15. The Hulk

An A for effort! C- for execution. First of all, I'm not really a comic
book fan. I know very little about the Hulk mythology. Nevertheless,
visually, this movie is stunning. The way Ang Lee moves the camera, colors
and lights his scenes, and does clever wipes, is brilliant. Fits a comic
book movie perfectly. Unfortunately, the story and the acting does not. The
scenery and edits are brighter than the actions of the characters. I want
my comic book characters to be larger than life, not quiet and moody.
Beyond that, the moodiness and introspection of the characters is in sharp
contrast to the brute force of the Hulk himself, who kinda reminds me of
the Cave Troll from Lord of the Rings, but rendered by computers with a
quarter of the power. At any rate, the combination of the brilliant visual
style with the understated personal style, and then also the in-your-face
Hulk just adds up to a somewhat meaningless mess. And the ending stinks.
But watch it with the sound off and you might be impressed.

14. A Mighty Wind

Maybe I'm giving Christopher Guest credit for his entire body of work here,
but this movie was cute, clever, and enjoyable. Not hilarious, mind you,
like Best in Show was, but it had its share of very funny moments. His
characters are absurd and real at the same time, and it's always fun to put
them in virtually any situation. That said, was the folk music community
the best choice to mock?

13. Stuck on You

Another cute movie. Well cast. The Farrelly brothers have essentially
perfected this type of comedy. I liked how clever they were with how the
brothers have gotten to used to their "handicap" and use it to their
advantage. I think they should have gotten an actress more famous than Cher
to mock, though. I'm sure someone a little less washed-up was available.
SPOILER ALERT! Funniest moment: When they're finally detached and exit the
hospital. They stand up, and then fall over sideways in opposite directions.

12. The Italian Job

I saw this movie a while ago, but remember having a good time. Edward
Norton is always good. Generally, well-done heist movies are fun and will
rate high on my list, whereas poorly-done heist movies flop terribly.
Fortunately, this is one of the former.

11. Love Actually

I'm a huge Notting Hill fan. This movie doesn't really come close, but in
parts it does manage to capture that perfect blend of comedic romance that
Notting Hill did all the way through. There are too many characters and
subplots in the story, so some of them are failures, but on the whole, it's
well-acted and well-written, if a bit chick-flicky. Although I still have
trouble believing in Hugh Grant as Prime Minister...

10. American Wedding

Definitely a vast improvement over the sickly-sweet stupidity of American
Pie 2. Not quite up to the originality of American Pie 1, but at least it's
a worthy successor. Still, some situations seemed incredibly forced, like
the Stifler-and-Jim-pie-in-the-crotch-dog-licking scene at the beginning.
Come to think of it, is there a way to make this seem natural? Overall, it
was mostly genuinely funny - I left smiling, which is more than I can say
for a lot of movies. It also had a nice 96 minute running time, which was
perfect for this movie.

9. The Matrix Revolutions

I think this movie would be even better if you were able to completely
ignore the previous two. On its own, it's visually amazing, and tells a
nice story of the underdog warriors fighting in a battle against the
oppressive machines. In a way, because Reloaded lowered my expectations for
the resolution of all of the "mythological" questions that the first two
movies posed, I was able to enjoy this movie on a much more visceral level,
and forget about the poorly executed cerebral aspects. I still think it had
some critical flaws - there's still too much nebulous mythology discussed,
and the final Trinity-Neo scene is almost vomit-inducing, but overall, this
at least redeems some of the failures of Reloaded.

8. Bend it Like Beckham

I surprised myself by rating this movie this high, but it really surpassed
my expectations. I think it's really what a movie like "My Big Fat Greek
Wedding" should have been - it's much more natural and the stars are
genuinely endearing. It's not overly preachy or pandering, either. Great
date movie, too.

7. Mystic River

Most of the good things you've heard about this movie are true. The casting
is amazing. (Sean Penn, Tim Robbins, Laurence Fisburne, Kevin Bacon, Marcia
Gay Harden - she should have won the Best Supporting Actress Oscar, BTW.)
The acting is fabulous. Eastwood's direction is very solid. That said, a
majority of the praise heaped upon this movie is about its mood and how
accurate a representation of Boston it is. Well, Boston's dreary. That
didn't require much work, really. Shoot there, and your movie will feel
dreary. I don't think it's worthy of THAT much praise. Also, I think the
plot is a bit thin. It's a little too straightforward - it's not really as
complex or intricate a mystery as they make it out to be. That said, it's
very well done and worth seeing. And one person who is not getting the
recognition she deserves is Marcia Gay Harden, who is fantastic in this
movie as Tim Robbins' wife. She stands in stark to the wife of Sean Penn's
character, played by Laura Linney, who is much less realistic, partially
because of the script, but also partially because of her overacting.

6. 28 Days Later

This list has too few independent movies on it, which is disappointing. I
don't think this movie is quite as good as Frailty, which rated high on
last year's list, but it has many of the same qualities. If you haven't
seen it, it's basically a modern zombie movie. It's quietly spooky,
original, and very well done. Once again, it proves that all of the CGI and
big budget effects that are some common are completely unnecessary for
generating a legitimate feeling of dread and terror. The DVD has a nice set
of alternate endings too, which is nice, because the real ending did leave
me a bit unsatisfied. I do highly recommend it, though - much better than
your average studio release.

5. X2: X-Men United

A sequel that exceeds the original? Pretty rare, these days. There are some
fantastic individual scenes in this movie, but overall, it still holds up
as an exciting action movie. The characters are well-drawn. I think they
spent too much time on Wolverine's history, and some of the battles end a
little too abruptly, but I'm consistently amazed at how they find very
clever ways to use their special powers. Some of the large-scale battles
strike me as real-life chess matches. One particular scene, with Magneto in
his prison (you know what I'm talking about if you've seen it), is
borderline classic. The effects are great, the acting is solid, and they do
a nice job of introducing cool new characters (Nightcrawler), while still
using the old favorites well. Except for Storm - she still sucks.

4. Finding Nemo

First of all, the movie is beautiful. The colors are vibrant, the animation
is fantastic. The best quality animation I think I've ever seen. Then, on
top of it, the story is good, and the voice acting is great. It has some
very legitimate funny parts, and it has a short enough running time to keep
everyone engaged. Disney's crazy for letting Pixar go, at least from an
artistic standpoint.

3. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

I love Terminator 2. Definitely in my top 10 movies. It was not without a
significant amount of trepidation I went to see T3, worried that Mostow
would trounce all over what I consider to be Cameron's true masterpiece.
While he didn't do it up quite as fancy as I imagine Cameron would, he made
a worthy successor, which is no small accomplishment. It's also impressive
that I think it stands on its own as a good action movie. I don't think
they're making nearly enough standard action movies these days. Sure, there
are comedy/action movies, and spoofs, but very few serious action movies
that aren't absurdly scripted. It was also nice that Schwarzenegger and Co.
could poke fun at themselves. If you like T2, I highly recommend you see
T3. It won't blow your socks off, but you'll have a pretty good time.

2. Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

Gasp! Why's it not number one? Well, If I spend this paragraph explaining
why it's not number one on the list, I fear that I'll be detracting from
this magnificent movie. It's beautiful, rousing, detailed, majestic, and
touching. The Sam/Frodo story is fantastic - Sam's loyalty and dedication
is truly inspiring. Throughout the trilogy I have been amazed at the love
that Jackson and his crew clearly have for the material, and how evident
that is in every single shot. This is truly a fantastic trilogy, and should
go down in history as one of the best series of all time. I suppose I'd be
remiss if I didn't explain why it's not number one on my list, though. Let
me make it simple: I just didn't _feel_ as inspired by it as I had hoped.
Maybe it was the lack of depth conveyed in the main heroes (Gandalf,
Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli) and their actions. Maybe it was how the Army of
the Dead (I forget if that's what their name is, but you know what I'm
talking about) swooping in really seemed like deus ex machina. Maybe it's
that the "Scouring" was cut out, and I think that's a critical plot point.
Maybe it's because I knew what was going to happen, and the book adhered to
the story TOO closely. Whatever it is, I just wasn't as moved as I hoped to
be. The first movie really grabs me - this one, not as much. I appreciate
it on more of an intellectual level than an emotional one, and I wish I had
been more affected.

So, what movie could trump the LOTR juggernaut?...

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1. Kill Bill: Volume 1

Before you jump to conclusions about why I put this first, let me get a
couple of things out of the way. First of all, I don't even like Uma
Thurman. I find her weird looking. Somehow, she fits perfectly into this
movie. Second of all, I don't worship Tarantino. I love Reservoir Dogs, but
I hated Jackie Brown (it would likely make my 10 worst movies ever list),
and frankly, I don't think Pulp Fiction is all that good. But Kill Bill is
fantastic. First of all, I think it's probably one of the most creative
movies of the year. It definitely gets bonus points for that - too many
directors are formulaic, and adhere to a strict style - namely, a lack of
style. But actually veering from the norm and succeeding warrants a lot of
approval. Many of his scenes are legitimately cool, and they rarely seem
forced or contrived, despite the fact that very few people actually talk
like his characters. They do in Tarantino-land, and you accept it.

I love the fact that Tarantino takes typically frowned-upon genres and
elevates them to art. I don't even think that all of his scenes or dialogue
works - in particular, the exchange between the Bride and Vivica Fox's
character is awkward - but he's always making the effort. There's always
something interesting to look at, and usually he'll frame shots so as to
illustrate a juxtaposition or a theme. His use of music to accent his
scenes and plots is incredible, too. How can a soundtrack have Zamfir AND
Isaac Hayes on it? Better than that, how can it work so well? Unlike Pulp
Fiction, which I feel doesn't really have a compelling plot, he's added
just enough of a simple plot to keep the story moving (the Bride wants
revenge), but still allow him the freedom to tell his story through his own
visual style.

There's also the idea of expectation. Frequently, my expectations will be
set up by a trailer, or a review, or the director's previous work. And
often, I'm completely let down - usually because I felt I've seen a movie
that's been done before. With Kill Bill, due to Tarantino's past
unevenness, I had no idea what to expect going in - when I left, I realized
that I just had a hell of a lot of fun. I wasn't disappointed - instead, I
felt that I had been challenged a bit, but I like being pushed by movies.
Not all of the stylistic choices make sense, but a lot did - some were just
plain cool, some were colorful or otherwise aesthetically pleasing, but
he's trying to satisfy you, as a viewer, all of the time. And, I felt, he
succeeded. I loved the feeling of satisfaction I had upon exiting the
theater, knowing that I had just seen a completely original and utterly
enjoyable movie. It was all too rare this past year.

I love doing my taxes. It's really quite fun. There's nothing like the satisfaction of following a lot of obscure instructions and filling out forms. I really like the part where I write a check, knowing full well that my money is most likely going to causes that I prefer it doesn't go to - to fund wars, religious organizations, political war chests (indirectly, of course - first it goes to Halliburton, and then right back to the war chests), and, of course, keeping Strom Thurmond's brain alive....don't pretend you don't know that's going on. His brain's going to run for Senate again in 2006. I think it would win, don't you?

But, truly, I can't complain about having to pay taxes. I wish the government was more efficient with my money, and more trustworthy, but in principle, at least, it's necessary for a functioning society. Without government, who would keep our airwaves safe? Our roads pothole-less? Who would tell us when daylight savings time starts? Who would mangle my mail? Oh, wait, that's me being cynical again. My bad.

No, really, what amazes me about taxes is how complicated they are. I hate to sound continuously cynical, but the average American is pretty dumb. I think of myself as reasonably intelligent. I'm definitely pretty good with math, and not too bad at all about following instructions. Before I had TiVo, I was actually capable of programming my VCR. So there.

My tax situation is pretty straightforward. I still find the tax instructions unnecessarily confusing. I know, I could buy something like TurboTax. Assuming that it wouldn't save me money by finding deductions (loopholes?) that I could exploit, I really can't justify spending that money on something I can do myself. Or at least, I freakin' should be able to do it myself. And darn it, I will!

So, remember, that there are millions of Americans who can't even operate a computer - not like you, dear internet-savvy reader. TurboTax isn't even an option. I doubt H+R Block is, either - most people that are dumb don't really know they're dumb. (Hmmm...I don't think I'm dumb. Does that mean I'm dumb? Damn!) So they likely don't get help. How can they fill these forms out properly? I can't begin to imagine them sitting around, calculating deductions, sorting through receipts, finding box 12-X on form 18237161218-FU. I guess, fortunately, for the government, by default, you pay almost everything, and it's usually up to you to figger out your deductions. If have additional earnings (capital gains, etc.), well, that means you're probably a little smarter than the average bear. (What's the tax rate on bears?)

One thing that amuses me about tax forms is how they've made things overly complicated in the name of trying to simplify things. First of all, there's the tax tables. What a waste of paper! Clearly, it's just a graduated scale. Instead of saying: If your adjusted gross income is between X and Y, multiply your adjusted gross income by Z to get your tax, they have this absurd table. C'mon - you know that would be easier. And save paper. And probably earn the government more, since they wouldn't have to round to the nearest 50 bucks. But such a system probably would be found to be somehow biased against people who don't own calculators. (Adding and subtracting you can do by hand...but multiplication! Well, that's a whole new can of pudding there, Charlie!)

There's also the whole adding mechanism on the form. Adding's associative! So's subtracting! (Well, kind of. Adding negative numbers is associative, at least.) The forms are usually like: Add A+B to get C. Add C+D to get E. Subtract F from E to get G. Hey, how about this: Add A plus B plus D and subtract F to get G. There you go! Saved you some writing! Maybe I should go work for the government. On second thought, that would probably result in a homicide. I think I'll just complain instead.

I hate it when people try to sell me stuff. I'm not talking about your traditional used-car salesmen, or even telemarketing. I'm not even talking about that bane of human existence: spam. Don't get me wrong - telemarketing and spam anger me so much that smoke starts to emanate from my ears, but I think almost everyone hates those things, and generates their own reasonable amount of ear-smoke.

Rather, I'm talking about the people that try to sell you stuff on the sly. For instance, when you're eating at a restaurant, and the waiter asks, "Can I start you off with a drink or an appetizer? Maybe our baby crispy honey bar-b-q double-pan-fried wasabi monkey poppers?" I'm sure it works on some people. But for me, it just pisses me off. I'm in your damn restaurant already. I'm giving you my money. Most likely, unless you kick me in the groin, I'll tip you at least 15%. Stop peddling your wares. I know, it'll drive the check up 5-10 bucks, thus driving up the tip 1-2 dollars. Do that a lot over your shift and you'll increase your total earnings like 50 bucks per night. Is it really worth your dignity, you appetizer-peddling whore?!

One problem, though, is that I think I've become oversensitive to sales pitches. I don't even like it when I'm in a store and people ask me if I need help. I always think they're going to try to sell me something. If I need help, I'll ask. Trust me. What weird is that I'm a relatively social guy, but sometimes, I'll avoid going into a store if I'm going to be the only customer in there, just because I know that I'll attract the salespeople's attention, and they'll start to swarm. This seems a tad unhealthy to me.

I went to vote today, and was cringing as I walked up to the polls. I really didn't want to be accosted. I don't know why - by now, it should be apparent that I have no problem engaging people in debates about unimportant crap, but I definitely had some level of anxiety. Maybe I have some self-esteem issues. Nah. Probably was just something I ate. I don't know if the poll groupies sensed my anxiety, or I just looked like I already had my mind made up, but they left me alone. Personally, I'm hoping that in November, some Bush supporter tries to convert me, because I think I might just scream obscenities at them until they give up. I do live in Maryland, though - Bush supporters are hard to come by here. One can dream, though.