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Friday, April 30, 2004

The End of An Era 

My friends, I'm very sad to announce the end of an era. It was a nice era, very loose and enjoyable. This era brought entertainment, pleasure, and maybe even a little disgust to hundreds, nay, thousands of people. That era was the era of Dave's double-jointedness.

Now, as you recover from your shock and pick yourselves off the floor and place yourselves firmly back on your chair, let me reassure you that for now, I am perfectly capable of dislocating my shoulders. For those of you who did not know I could do this, well, I can...or, rather, I could. Once, in a more carefree time, I was able to clasp my fingers together in front of my body, and, without letting go, bring my arms all the way behind my body. Yes, it worked the other way too.

With this awesome power came great responsibility, as usual. I used it to entertain youngsters, and disgust squeamish females. Once, at the beach, my father and I were out for a stroll and encountered a tiny boy with a pair of toy handcuffs. My devious father told the boy to place the handcuffs on me and then close his eyes for a second. To his surprise, when he opened them, my hands were behind me. Oh, my father is quite the rascal. We had quite a few laughs about that one.

I also fondly recall the time that I was arrested, and handcuffed behind my back, but before the policeman could radio in his report, I had put my arms in front of me and strangled the policeman to death. We had ever more laughs about that one.

But, alas, those are tales of an era passed. For, about a year ago, I began to experience a little shoulder discomfort, and found that I was especially prone to having my shoulder dislocate itself at inopportune times - say, while fielding a softball, or staving off a charging throng of escaped mental patients. Unlike when I voluntarily dislocated my shoulder, involuntary dislocation caused me significant pain. (Although, likely not as much pain as someone without this grand gift might experience.) Usually it would heal after a couple days, but it happened with disturbing frequency.

I recently finally gave in and saw the doctor. (Part of my reluctance was fear that I'd make the appointment and then go in and everything would be fine, and the doctor would just kick me out of his office.) This time, I made sure that the pain would persist by repeatedly engaging in activities known to dislocate my shoulder right before my appointment. I visited the doctor, and in about five minutes, he diagnosed me with "multi-directional instability."

MI is very rare, and there is no known cure. I am no longer allowed to voluntarily dislocate my shoulders, ever. I cannot bring joy to young whippersnappers (at least, not through this method), or cause 12-year-old girls to run away in disgust (once again, at least not through this method). I cannot asphyxiate any more policemen with impunity. I am not allowed to perform a military press, nor can I stretch so that my arms are on the wrong side of my body.

But, with your help, MI can be defeated. Donate to my MI fund, and I will buy myself a pair of robotic shoulders, ones that will not only be able to rotate my arms in any conceivable direction, but also will be able to deflect bullets and fire laser beams. Only you can make the world safe once again for stretching, amusing pranks, and homicide.

Sunday, April 25, 2004

Analogies 

I try to veer away from sports and politics in my blog, but permit me to indulge a little in both. Trust me - I don't think you'll find this particular post too inflammatory on either.

So, imagine that I thought Ralph Nader, in principle, was the best man to be President. This may very well be the case - I'm ignoring him because he clearly has no chance to win, and a vote for him would only serve to help Bush get re-elected, which I think would be a much greater loss than losing whatever benefit Nader might provide over Kerry. At some level, this is kind of sad - I wish we didn't have a two-party system, and other viable candidates had a chance. But we don't, and so I realize I have to work inside the system. If that means voting for Kerry, whom I like, but don't think is a fantastic candidate, than so be it. Ok, that's the politics part.

Now, the sports part. It's tough for me to articulate what's more evil - Bush, and his policies that I detest, or the New York Yankees, who I believe are bad for baseball. I suppose, when it comes down to it, Bush's policies actually affect the real world, but baseball's pretty damn important too. Nevertheless, I can't stand the Yankees. They are perennial contenders for a couple of reasons - first and foremost is their boundless money supply. The second reason is that they make smart decisions, but their money allows them to fix any silly mistakes they might make, so they end up looking smarter because of it. Regardless, I just can't stand them - their fans are obnoxious, the team has this self-righteous air about it, and their success represents everything that is wrong about baseball's salary structure. I wish there was a detestable player on the team, but to their credit, most of them are classy guys. Jeter is horribly overexposed and overrated, but probably the most dislikable guy on the team is the owner - George Steinbrenner - a megalomaniac if there ever was one. Anyways, I don't like them. That's the point.

In truth, I am a die-hard Orioles fan. But, the fact is that for the past 6 years they've been terrible. They're just starting to turn it around, and now they're at least fun to watch, but they're at least a year from being serious competitors. Note that I WANT them to win - I just don't expect them to. Many people think that being a fan means that you must be delusional about a team's chances, but those people mostly live in Boston. Regardless, the Orioles, in all likelihood, are not going to win the division and make the playoffs - mostly because they're in the same division as the Red Sox and Yankees, whose payrolls are approximately 2 times and 3 times that of the Orioles, respectively.

So, I'm going to root for the Orioles. I want them to win. I also know that rooting for a team doesn't actually affect that team, but let's pretend that it does - in as much as my vote (in Maryland) is actually going to affect the election. Recently, I was at an Orioles / Red Sox game, and of course I was rooting for the Orioles. But I couldn't help feel like rooting for the Orioles was kind of like voting for Nader. It was kind of sad - I felt guilty. I mean, I want the Orioles to win. Nothing would make me happier. But I realize they won't. And if that's the case, then all I really care about is the Yankees NOT winning. The team that is the most likely to stop the Yankees from winning is the Red Sox, and as such, I have to pull for them, even though I don't really like them. In this case, they are definitely the lesser of two evils.

You can see the extended analogy - The Orioles are Nader - righteous and just and principled, but a gigantic longshot. The Red Sox (quite fittingly) are Kerry - a less than optimal candidate, not quite possessing all of the qualities I'd want in a World Champion / President, but certainly better than the alternative...The Yankees, who are Bush. I know, it'd be better if this was the Dallas Cowboys, so it's not a perfect analogy. Nevertheless, the Yankees have been leading baseball (America) in the wrong direction, and it's time for a long overdue change. No longer will money (special interests) determine the direction we're headed.

What's my conclusion? I guess it's that I'm a pragmatist, with an optimistic streak. Maybe Kerry will beat Bush in 2004, order a salary cap in baseball, and the Orioles will win in 2005! A analogy-maker can dream, can't he?





Monday, April 19, 2004

Hot As Balls 

Ah, what creative similes we have in pop culture. "Hot as balls". This makes some sense - I would imagine that on the average, balls are hotter than the rest of the organs on the human body, due to their location. Although, don't they have to be somewhat temperate for the little tadpoles to survive? Well, at any rate, I can understand where this comes from. "Cool as shit" ? That just makes no sense. As usual, though, I digress from the intended point of my post.

It is, indeed, hot as the aforementioned balls in my apartment. And it's not even that hot out - 80-90 degrees. Certainly not as bad as it's going to get. But, my condominium complex, in its infinite wisdom, has a system whereby the WHOLE DARN SET OF CONDOS, and we're talking like 50 buildings, probably at least 500 different units, must make the transition from heating to cooling at one time. Both cannot co-exist in the same place at the same time, kind of like Limp Bizkit and talent. So, we're stuck with no AC for likely another two weeks. Apparently it takes a full day to make the switch, and since history seems to indicate that we might get another cold snap before it gets warm again, they don't want to have to switch and switch back. Well, screw that! I can always put on more clothes if it's cold. But I can only take off so much. I mean, when you get right down to it, if your balls are hot, what options do you have?

Saturday, April 17, 2004

Top 25 Movies of all time...coming soon 

So, I'm realizing that this is taking way too long to do, so I'm going to post my list as I develop it, maybe one or two movies at a time. Here's the preface:

For the first time ever, people have actually requested that I write about a particular topic. How can I refuse my loyal fans? Hell, I can't really afford to, given that I only have like 3!

At any rate, the request was for me to write a similar list to my Top Movies of 2003, except for me to list my favorite 25 movies of all time. This is no easy task, but proved to be enjoyable.

One question was what criteria to use? Well, with some input, I decided to judge movies on the following basis (in rough order of importance)?

- Enjoyment: Did I enjoy the movie? How satisfied was I with my movie-going experience?

- Quality: How good was the work? Did the people involved in the creation of the movie dedicate themselves to their craft, and, is that apparent in the movie? I'm talking about acting, writing, cinematography, etc.

- Originality: Is the movie original? Does it break new ground? Does it set a standard or establish a new genre or style?

- Accessibility/Integrity: Can this movie be enjoyed by a wide variety of people? If so, does it still challenge those people with new thoughts or ideas, and not just adhere to standard film cliches?

- Timelessness: Will this movie be remembered 10 years from now? 20? 30? Does it have a message or a concept that will withstand the test of time?

Ok, so now that we've got those somewhat arbitrary criteria down, we can launch into the rankings. Before I do so, though, I want to provide a significant caveat: I cheated a bit in some areas. There are a lot of movies out there, and it's still very tough to compare very different movies. I know I did it for 2003, but it's much harder with every movie ever made to choose from. Where I cheated, I'll try to provide an explanation of how. Furthermore, despite the fact that I'm going to provide rankings from 25-1, it might make sense to place them into groups of 5, because it's very tough for me to choose between some of these. Nonetheless, I'm going to try not to wuss out. Here goes nothing...

Well, you'll have to wait for the 25th movie until a bit later, but in the meantime, I'm going to post a few movies that just didn't make the cut:

Get Shorty: I love this movie. Great style, pretty darn funny, but a little dated now. Still, one of my favorites.

Happy Gilmore: The best Adam Sandler movie. Probably would be on my top 10 comedies, but that's not what this list is now, eh? "The price is wrong, bitch!"

Lion King: This is the only Disney movie (excluding Pixar films) that I really completely enjoyed. I think it's their best work ever, and that's including the classics like Bambi and Snow White. Still, it's a Hamlet ripoff, and a Disney movie nonetheless.

Godfather: A rare classic that lives up to its reputation, but I think it makes a lot of top 10 lists more for its reputation than the actual movie. I've only seen this and Part II once apiece, but based on that, I'm probably one of the few that enjoyed the first one more. A great movie, but just didn't strike the perfect chords with me. I know it's sacrilege, but I think it's a bit overrated.

Best In Show: This is the best Christopher Guest movie, and also would make my top 10 (15?) comedies, but I think it still drags in some places. I'm waiting for his best work to come, because I think he's still got some polishing to do before he makes a truly great movie.

Seven: The acting is great. The dark, dank style is fantastic. It's genuinely creepy and disturbing. Still, it's a bit too trite in some places, and, frankly, it's a bit low on the "rewatchability" scale. However, probably the best crime drama movie I've seen.

Saving Private Ryan: I love this movie, but it drags a bit in the middle, and has some abrupt shifts in tone. It's moving and visceral and touching. A real classic.

Fargo: Coen Brothers runner-up movie. Also a great crime drama (and a bit of a comedy), but completely different from Seven. It's sweet and funny and strange and frustrating at the same time. Frances McDormand is truly fantastic in this movie. Try watching it and then saying "Sure" like a normal person.

Minority Report: A perfectly executed sci-fi thriller. Unfortunately, I'm not a big sci-fi fan. Spielberg does a great job with lighting and editing, but some parts are a bit contrived. Nevertheless, this is definitely one of Spielberg's top works.

I'm fully expecting you guys to comment a significant amount. Start your lists if you haven't already!

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Plagues 

Ok, so we just had Passover, and in as much as I'm not a biblical fellow, I can't help but think of the ten plagues right now. First of all, it's been raining a whole lot. Clearly, this can lead to flooding. You would think that floods are on of the ten plagues, but you'd be wrong. "Blood" is one of the plagues, but this is kind of vague. Maybe there were floods of blood. In which case, which is more annoying? The flooding itself? Or maybe the fact that blood leaves terrible stains?

One of the ten plagues definitely IS locusts. And, from what I hear, they're coming this summer to the DC area. Cicadas. A whole lot of them. I'll keep you posted on that one.

I think on some of the plagues, they were reaching, though. Frogs? Frogs are kind of cute. Not really debilitating or destructive, either. I mean, you could have a lot of frogs and that could be annoying, but I don't see how a lot of frogs would be any worse than, say, a whole lot of ducks, or tons of cotton balls blowing around in the wind everywhere. No, this is definitely a lackluster plague.

For my money, the plague that would be the most entertaining to watch (this clearly rules out "darkness", although listening to people bumping into each other might be funny for a bit) would be "Hail mixed with Fire". This has a lot of destructive capacity. It also seems very odd, given that hail is frozen, while fire is not. To be honest, this might just be a lot like rain.

Monday, April 12, 2004

Lazy 

Actually, I haven't been lazy, although it's been almost a week since my last post. Rather, I've been working on my top 25 movies ever list. It ain't easy. I've ranked the movies, but need to explain my choices, and it's taking a while. Hopefully, you're all working on yours as well.

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

Toll Free 

I was just thinking (after hearing a brief discussion about this on the radio) that if I were to own a business that had a toll-free number, I would really want it to be a 1-800 number. In order of prestige, I think that 1-800 is at the top, and then 1-888. If you have a 1-877 number, that's just disgraceful. I wonder how many people even know it's toll-free. I'm sure number are allocated in the order the requests were received, but still, I bet you can bribe someone to get their number. To me, if you have a 1-888 number, that means you are, at best, the ten-million-and-first ranked company. And everyone knows it.

Sunday, April 04, 2004

Random Crap 

I need to write a post. Here's some random crap that's on my mind:

- Baseball started today! And the Orioles won! They're in 1st place! Woohoo!

- Speaking of baseball, Jason Szuminski, whom I've mentioned earlier, made the bigs! He's on the San Diego Padres' roster. Here's a link to the story.

- I think I have a collecting problem. I have pretty much completed my collection of Simpsons Actions Figures. They're finishing up the line and I have almost all of them. It's probably good that they're done, because it was really kinda starting to take up my house. I now have 3 barrister bookcases completely full of Simpsons figures. However, I'm now considering starting to collect MLB Sportsclix. I just think they're cool. Kind of like 3-D baseball cards. (Yes, I used to collect those too.) I know, I'm a dork. At least I know it.

- Passover's tomorrow. One of the Jewish holidays I enjoy the most. It's kind of like the Jewish Thanksgiving, even though, of course, we also celebrate the real Thanksgiving. It's also nice because I don't follow any of the rules, like not eating bread for a week. Personally, if I had wandered the desert for 40 years without being able to eat bread, I would want my ancestors to remember me by eating AS MUCH BREAD AS POSSIBLE! I know misery loves company, but come on.

- It's amazing the kind of reactions wearing a shirt that says "Yankees Suck" in public will generate. I thought people didn't follow baseball anymore? I guess I'll take it as a good sign.

- That's all that's bouncing around my head right now. Maybe I'll be more coherent later in the week.




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