Sunday, February 29, 2004
Running Commentary
I'm watching the Oscars. I figured I'd provide a running commentary and see if it's interesting at the end.
- For the first time, I watched the Red Carpet before the Oscars. And I kinda wish I hadn't. Is there anyone more worthless on the planet than Joan Rivers? I can't imagine such a person.
- Billy Crystal really is better at this than anyone I've seen. I think part of is it his physical appearance - he pretty close to an everyman - short, balding, so people think of him as a little more down to earth, I suppose. But he's funny, somewhat self-effacing, doesn't seem TOO ego-centric, and pretty intelligent. Does he do his own writing? Even if he doesn't, the delivery is pretty solid.
- It must really suck to be a Best Short Film nominee. I mean, it's cool to be nominated for an Oscar, but pretty much everything exists to remind you that you're a second class citizen. I wonder if when you're sitting among the "Real" actors, people point and stare and wonder who you are. Halle: "Who is that? I've never seen him before." Alec: "Oh, don't mind him. He's a Best Short Film nominee. Ignore him and he'll go away." You don't get any speech time, either. And, no one has seen your films. If they're that good, maybe they should be shown before full-length films. I'd definitely like to see them - but I'm too lazy to track them down, that's for sure.
- Do you really think Nicole Kidman is that attractive? Really? More so than, say, Liv Tyler? Charlize Theron? Catherine Zeta-Jones? Naomi Watts? Jennifer Garner? No, no, no. She's kind of weird looking. She CAN look pretty (think the movie "Malice"), but I think she either look orange, or like her forehead is gigantic, or her nose is craggy. Her prettiness hype/actual attractiveness ratio is extreme, I think.
- Could you cut glass with Angelina Jolie's nipples? I think you could. Good for her.
- Right now, we're in the middle of the song presentations. Is this intended to be the time at which everyone goes to the bathroom? It seems to me that the songs nominated are usually pretty arbitrary. What criteria do they use? The ones that best enhance the movies? The best overall songs? Personally, there were some songs that fit the movie a lot better and were cooler in Kill Bill. I guess this all goes back to the Awards commentary - how do you judge a song objectively? And, clearly, to be nominated for Best Song, you have to be in a Best Picture type movie. That kinda sucks.
- Lord of the Rings is about to go 3-for-3...it damn well better. Visual Effects - Master and Commander? Please! There were two ships! That's it! Lord of the Rings had like a billion different CG things. And there we go. It won! Will it win all 11? It could.
- Along the LOTR line, if it does go all 11-for-11, or comes close, will it be considered legitimate, or that they're just recognizing the complete body of work? If I had made the movie, I'd want them all to be considered on their own merits, but I guess I wouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth.
- At the Scientific + Technical awards, Jennifer Garner was the host. Was that really the best idea? To get the hottie star of a sci-fi show to host an technical awards show? How many of them were just drooling over her? I imagine some of those speeches were cut short because they just couldn't stop staring at their hero. Trust me, I know geeks.
- Jim Carrey looks like a cancer patient. Do you think his shtick will ever wear thin? It may already have... This is why no one saw "The Majestic". That, and it probably sucked.
- Why is the show long every year? I don't think it's the speeches of the main performers - I think it's the damn speeches of the honorary Oscar recipient. Maybe I should know who Blake Edwards is, but I don't. And I don't care about his anecdotes, even if they're cute. I suppose that's your award - if you hang around long enough to win an honorary Oscar, you get to talk for as long as you damn please. Oh yeah, the songs, too. Get rid of those things. Provide a link on the Oscar homepage for people to listen to them if they want to. And maybe if they made the stage smaller, the women in their ridiculous shoes and tight dresses wouldn't take so long to walk to the podium.
- Ok, now they're 4-for-4 (Makeup). Could be a sweep! I do think they legitimately deserve everything they've won so far. You'd think that frickin' Peter Jackson would SHAVE for these stupid awards, given how many times he's going to be seen on camera. At least straighten your shirt. He looks like a hobo who can't afford a razor. Tuck in your shirt! Comb your hair! At least pick the food pieces out of it. Maybe he's just falling into the stereotypical "genius who's too smart to groom himself" category.
- Hmmm...John Travolta and Sandra Bullock are presenting together. This must be the "career is going down the tubes amazingly quickly" presenter slot.
- 5-for-5. Sound effects editing! It could happen! I'd be inclined to say that people are just voting for the front runner, except I learned a while ago that only the people that are eligible in the specific area vote for a particular category. So, clearly, the sound editing people think that LOTR has some snazzy sound editing. I'd just like to say to all you non-nerds, you really are missing a magnificent trilogy. Sometimes, it pays to be a nerd. Woohoo!!
- I love how regal Dennis Haysbert sounds, especially since his roles as President Palmer on 24 and at that black gardener guy in Far From Heaven. No one remembers his all-important role in Major League has Pedro Cerrano. ("I say, 'Fuck you, Jobu!' I do it myself!") Tell you what, I'd buy a car from him.
- Kevin and Sam are watching with me. They are the wind beneath my wings. The bubbles in my Coca-Cola. The batteries in my wireless mouse. The HD in my television. The shoelaces in my sneakers. The absence of pickles on my hamburgers. (I don't like pickles.)
- Ha ha, John Cusack! You have to present "Documentary Short Subject" ! Who did he piss off?
- Yeah, the message from the President of the Academy can go too. Put it during the commercial break or something. Jesus. He seems so nervous! Don't waste my valuable time! There are important, rich, attractive people that need to be speaking right now! Ok, well, Gregory Peck is cool, but why did the President need to say that stuff?
- Michael Kamen died. I forget about him. That's a shame. He did Metallica S+M. (Among other things, I'm sure.) And Gregory Hines! That's also a shame. He always seemed like a nice guy.
- Hey, did you know this was the 76th Academy Awards? They put it on the screen all the time. I'm sorry - I only care about multiples of 5. Please, leave me alone until at least number 80.
- Can it go 6-for-6? You betcha! Original Score. Wow!
- Ok, so I now I know why none of the LOTR cast was nominated for any of the acting awards. Because they probably wouldn't have won. And then it wouldn't have gone 100%.
- 7-for-7! Film Editing! Sweet Jesus. It's a good damn film.
- Jamie Lee Curtis needs more boob makeup. You can see her boob veins. I wonder if her boobs are falling asleep.
- Did they change conductors? Did the relief conductor come in? I'm pretty darn sure the first one was white.
- What talent do you have to have to be the vacuum cleaner guy in the group that played the song for "The Triplets of Bellville" ? Is it like being the dancer guy in the Mighty Mighty Bosstones?
- Uh-oh. LOTR is threatened for Best Song. Can it pull it off? Does it even matter? I mean, really, does Best Song have anything to do with the movie itself? It doesn't matter!! 8-for-8, baby! Uh, Annie Lennox is weird. I think Peter Jackson is drooling. Someone clean him up, please!
- Hmmm...a Canadian movie won for Best Foreign Film. Is that really foreign, eh? Hell, LOTR should be up - it's New Zealandese!
- Best Cinematography to Master and Commander? (Don't worry - LOTR wasn't up for it.) But really, it was just kind of wet. And bumpy. I didn't see any of the other movies, but I'm sure some of them were better. Heck, give it to X-Men 2. That had some nice action shots. And funky colors.
- Has Francis Ford Coppola done anything since that movie with Robin Williams as a kid who looks like a grownup? "Jack", I think was the name of it. I guess not.
- And, there you go. Best Adapted Screenplay to LOTR. 9-for-9. I think they did a pretty good job in that adaptation. I think Mystic River had a shot at an upset there, but really, LOTR deserved it more. 2 left - they're the big ones.
- Fran Walsh is wearing a dead bat on her head. Maybe she shouldn't help Peter Jackson with the grooming after all.
- For a second there, I though Sofia Coppola was going to disappear into Susan Sarandon's cleavage. It was a close call.
- Phew. I was worried Tom Cruise wasn't going to show up. I can sleep well tonight.
- Best Director.....could it be that disgusting slob Peter Jackson? He could be the Lord of All Geeks. And he is! 10-for-10. What's he gonna say? "I'm the Lord of the Rings!" He'd still be cooler than Jim Cameron.
- Samantha Morton should have no doubt that she is amazingly talented, because she certainly hasn't gotten any of these jobs based on her looks. Sorry, was that mean? But it's true. She's just weird looking, and she never styles herself to emphasize what attractiveness she does have.
- Well, no need to see "21 Grams", now. Why give away the ending while showing a clip? Argh!!
- Charlize Theron (the Great Pumpkin) thanked her lawyer. That's the first sign of the apocalypse, I think.
- Bill Murray doesn't seem to like his own work. It still would be cool to see him win, even though I haven't seen the movie. Sean Penn is good, but I'm a bit tired of him. We'll see...Penn again. Well, good for him, I suppose. He was married to Madonna once, remember.
- I think Marcia Gay Harden is going to explode. Can you be over-pregnant? I guess she's having twins, but it looks like she's going to give birth to a small car.
- Steven Spielberg's eyeballs are a little too close together. Is his nose shrinking?
- Best Picture. This is it! Will it be LOTR? I think so....bold prediction, I know. LOTR. 11-for-11. Pretty darn amazing. Well, go see it.
- Ok, I'm done. Good night, all! It's been great! See you next year.
Hugs and kisses,
Dave
- For the first time, I watched the Red Carpet before the Oscars. And I kinda wish I hadn't. Is there anyone more worthless on the planet than Joan Rivers? I can't imagine such a person.
- Billy Crystal really is better at this than anyone I've seen. I think part of is it his physical appearance - he pretty close to an everyman - short, balding, so people think of him as a little more down to earth, I suppose. But he's funny, somewhat self-effacing, doesn't seem TOO ego-centric, and pretty intelligent. Does he do his own writing? Even if he doesn't, the delivery is pretty solid.
- It must really suck to be a Best Short Film nominee. I mean, it's cool to be nominated for an Oscar, but pretty much everything exists to remind you that you're a second class citizen. I wonder if when you're sitting among the "Real" actors, people point and stare and wonder who you are. Halle: "Who is that? I've never seen him before." Alec: "Oh, don't mind him. He's a Best Short Film nominee. Ignore him and he'll go away." You don't get any speech time, either. And, no one has seen your films. If they're that good, maybe they should be shown before full-length films. I'd definitely like to see them - but I'm too lazy to track them down, that's for sure.
- Do you really think Nicole Kidman is that attractive? Really? More so than, say, Liv Tyler? Charlize Theron? Catherine Zeta-Jones? Naomi Watts? Jennifer Garner? No, no, no. She's kind of weird looking. She CAN look pretty (think the movie "Malice"), but I think she either look orange, or like her forehead is gigantic, or her nose is craggy. Her prettiness hype/actual attractiveness ratio is extreme, I think.
- Could you cut glass with Angelina Jolie's nipples? I think you could. Good for her.
- Right now, we're in the middle of the song presentations. Is this intended to be the time at which everyone goes to the bathroom? It seems to me that the songs nominated are usually pretty arbitrary. What criteria do they use? The ones that best enhance the movies? The best overall songs? Personally, there were some songs that fit the movie a lot better and were cooler in Kill Bill. I guess this all goes back to the Awards commentary - how do you judge a song objectively? And, clearly, to be nominated for Best Song, you have to be in a Best Picture type movie. That kinda sucks.
- Lord of the Rings is about to go 3-for-3...it damn well better. Visual Effects - Master and Commander? Please! There were two ships! That's it! Lord of the Rings had like a billion different CG things. And there we go. It won! Will it win all 11? It could.
- Along the LOTR line, if it does go all 11-for-11, or comes close, will it be considered legitimate, or that they're just recognizing the complete body of work? If I had made the movie, I'd want them all to be considered on their own merits, but I guess I wouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth.
- At the Scientific + Technical awards, Jennifer Garner was the host. Was that really the best idea? To get the hottie star of a sci-fi show to host an technical awards show? How many of them were just drooling over her? I imagine some of those speeches were cut short because they just couldn't stop staring at their hero. Trust me, I know geeks.
- Jim Carrey looks like a cancer patient. Do you think his shtick will ever wear thin? It may already have... This is why no one saw "The Majestic". That, and it probably sucked.
- Why is the show long every year? I don't think it's the speeches of the main performers - I think it's the damn speeches of the honorary Oscar recipient. Maybe I should know who Blake Edwards is, but I don't. And I don't care about his anecdotes, even if they're cute. I suppose that's your award - if you hang around long enough to win an honorary Oscar, you get to talk for as long as you damn please. Oh yeah, the songs, too. Get rid of those things. Provide a link on the Oscar homepage for people to listen to them if they want to. And maybe if they made the stage smaller, the women in their ridiculous shoes and tight dresses wouldn't take so long to walk to the podium.
- Ok, now they're 4-for-4 (Makeup). Could be a sweep! I do think they legitimately deserve everything they've won so far. You'd think that frickin' Peter Jackson would SHAVE for these stupid awards, given how many times he's going to be seen on camera. At least straighten your shirt. He looks like a hobo who can't afford a razor. Tuck in your shirt! Comb your hair! At least pick the food pieces out of it. Maybe he's just falling into the stereotypical "genius who's too smart to groom himself" category.
- Hmmm...John Travolta and Sandra Bullock are presenting together. This must be the "career is going down the tubes amazingly quickly" presenter slot.
- 5-for-5. Sound effects editing! It could happen! I'd be inclined to say that people are just voting for the front runner, except I learned a while ago that only the people that are eligible in the specific area vote for a particular category. So, clearly, the sound editing people think that LOTR has some snazzy sound editing. I'd just like to say to all you non-nerds, you really are missing a magnificent trilogy. Sometimes, it pays to be a nerd. Woohoo!!
- I love how regal Dennis Haysbert sounds, especially since his roles as President Palmer on 24 and at that black gardener guy in Far From Heaven. No one remembers his all-important role in Major League has Pedro Cerrano. ("I say, 'Fuck you, Jobu!' I do it myself!") Tell you what, I'd buy a car from him.
- Kevin and Sam are watching with me. They are the wind beneath my wings. The bubbles in my Coca-Cola. The batteries in my wireless mouse. The HD in my television. The shoelaces in my sneakers. The absence of pickles on my hamburgers. (I don't like pickles.)
- Ha ha, John Cusack! You have to present "Documentary Short Subject" ! Who did he piss off?
- Yeah, the message from the President of the Academy can go too. Put it during the commercial break or something. Jesus. He seems so nervous! Don't waste my valuable time! There are important, rich, attractive people that need to be speaking right now! Ok, well, Gregory Peck is cool, but why did the President need to say that stuff?
- Michael Kamen died. I forget about him. That's a shame. He did Metallica S+M. (Among other things, I'm sure.) And Gregory Hines! That's also a shame. He always seemed like a nice guy.
- Hey, did you know this was the 76th Academy Awards? They put it on the screen all the time. I'm sorry - I only care about multiples of 5. Please, leave me alone until at least number 80.
- Can it go 6-for-6? You betcha! Original Score. Wow!
- Ok, so I now I know why none of the LOTR cast was nominated for any of the acting awards. Because they probably wouldn't have won. And then it wouldn't have gone 100%.
- 7-for-7! Film Editing! Sweet Jesus. It's a good damn film.
- Jamie Lee Curtis needs more boob makeup. You can see her boob veins. I wonder if her boobs are falling asleep.
- Did they change conductors? Did the relief conductor come in? I'm pretty darn sure the first one was white.
- What talent do you have to have to be the vacuum cleaner guy in the group that played the song for "The Triplets of Bellville" ? Is it like being the dancer guy in the Mighty Mighty Bosstones?
- Uh-oh. LOTR is threatened for Best Song. Can it pull it off? Does it even matter? I mean, really, does Best Song have anything to do with the movie itself? It doesn't matter!! 8-for-8, baby! Uh, Annie Lennox is weird. I think Peter Jackson is drooling. Someone clean him up, please!
- Hmmm...a Canadian movie won for Best Foreign Film. Is that really foreign, eh? Hell, LOTR should be up - it's New Zealandese!
- Best Cinematography to Master and Commander? (Don't worry - LOTR wasn't up for it.) But really, it was just kind of wet. And bumpy. I didn't see any of the other movies, but I'm sure some of them were better. Heck, give it to X-Men 2. That had some nice action shots. And funky colors.
- Has Francis Ford Coppola done anything since that movie with Robin Williams as a kid who looks like a grownup? "Jack", I think was the name of it. I guess not.
- And, there you go. Best Adapted Screenplay to LOTR. 9-for-9. I think they did a pretty good job in that adaptation. I think Mystic River had a shot at an upset there, but really, LOTR deserved it more. 2 left - they're the big ones.
- Fran Walsh is wearing a dead bat on her head. Maybe she shouldn't help Peter Jackson with the grooming after all.
- For a second there, I though Sofia Coppola was going to disappear into Susan Sarandon's cleavage. It was a close call.
- Phew. I was worried Tom Cruise wasn't going to show up. I can sleep well tonight.
- Best Director.....could it be that disgusting slob Peter Jackson? He could be the Lord of All Geeks. And he is! 10-for-10. What's he gonna say? "I'm the Lord of the Rings!" He'd still be cooler than Jim Cameron.
- Samantha Morton should have no doubt that she is amazingly talented, because she certainly hasn't gotten any of these jobs based on her looks. Sorry, was that mean? But it's true. She's just weird looking, and she never styles herself to emphasize what attractiveness she does have.
- Well, no need to see "21 Grams", now. Why give away the ending while showing a clip? Argh!!
- Charlize Theron (the Great Pumpkin) thanked her lawyer. That's the first sign of the apocalypse, I think.
- Bill Murray doesn't seem to like his own work. It still would be cool to see him win, even though I haven't seen the movie. Sean Penn is good, but I'm a bit tired of him. We'll see...Penn again. Well, good for him, I suppose. He was married to Madonna once, remember.
- I think Marcia Gay Harden is going to explode. Can you be over-pregnant? I guess she's having twins, but it looks like she's going to give birth to a small car.
- Steven Spielberg's eyeballs are a little too close together. Is his nose shrinking?
- Best Picture. This is it! Will it be LOTR? I think so....bold prediction, I know. LOTR. 11-for-11. Pretty darn amazing. Well, go see it.
- Ok, I'm done. Good night, all! It's been great! See you next year.
Hugs and kisses,
Dave
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