Thursday, February 26, 2004
Tech Support
Calling technical support may be one of the most frustrating experiences in the world. Now, I'm not talking about calling general customer service - when, for instance, you have a problem with your credit card, or bank account, or need to return the electronic toenail clipper you bought over the internet. The can certainly be infuriating - I have set many a telephone on fire in anger after not being able to talk to a human in customer service. Let me give you a piece of advice - stay away from the fumes created in a telephone fire. At any rate, I'm not talking about that horrendous experience of waiting for hours on hold and talking to a freakin' robot that only knows how to answer three questions. Rather, I'm talking about the experience of buying, say, a Dell computer, and having some obscure problem, so you have to call Dell tech support to fix it.
It can be frustrating waiting around to get a human on the line, but usually it just requires patience. Inevitably, they treat you like a 2-year old. "Is the computer on?" "Did you insert a ham sandwich in the CD drive?" "Are your eyes closed?" Once you get around the obvious questions, then you have to attempt to describe the problem in detail. Often, the support engineer is impatient and/or stupid. Really, it's generally quite unpleasant.
Well, tough! I completely and utterly empathize with disenchanted tech support engineers. Why? Because I am one. My company makes software. Some of it is amazingly complex software. I've been there over 3 years and I would consider myself very familiar with maybe 25% of its functionality. Now, it's not consumer level software: It's network simulation and analysis software, so it's really only intended for people who know their way around a network. ("Take a right at the router, then a left at the hub...don't get tangled up in that Gigabit Ethernet cord!") As part of our responsibilities, all software engineers are required to put in a four-hour tech support shift once a week. I can honestly say that aside from having to clean the urinals with my tongue, that's far and away the worst part of my job. And some weeks, I prefer the urinals.
One reason tech support sucks is because of the complexity of the software. The pieces I don't know, I don't care to know. Let's look at this from the other end, though: When the customer calls TS, they expect the person they talk to be an expert. But, let's be reasonable, folks. Do the Dell guys know everything about a computer? Does anyone know everything about a computer? No, of course not. They likely have a set of webpages or documentation in front of them, so they can answer commonly asked questions. Not only that but, I imagine the Dell guys are full time TS engineers. (How they keep from going utterly batshit crazy, I have no idea.) We are not. We do have a database of frequently asked questions, which are helpful for about 20% of the questions we're asked. The other 80% require more effort.
I'd say in a given four hour shift, we receive about 40-80 questions. There are usually between 3 and 8 people on a shift. That averages to about 10 questions per person, per shift. Maybe you think that's not a lot. You're wrong. Like I said, maybe 20% of these can be answered by pointing the user to the FAQs. Out of the 8 other questions, maybe 1 or 2 are so inherently obvious that it boggles my mind how someone clearly so inept would be allowed to use software that costs at least tens of thousands of dollars. What a waste. These questions aren't easy to answer, mind you. If the person doesn't know how to "double-click", or has tried to install the software on an Apple IIc, it's pretty much futile to try and reason with them. Usually I have to pretend to sympathize with these people. "Yes, sir, of course our software should be designed for people who have had lobotomies. I'll make sure to recommend that to management."
So now we're down to 6 questions. Most of these (let's say 5) are so obscure that there's exactly one person in the company who knows the answer. And no, I'm not that guy. I'm glad I'm not that guy, because I don't understand how that guy gets any work done. Sure, you can try to figure it out without him, but how much of a waste of time is that? I mean, there's a guy that knows the answer. Just ask him! Maybe, if you're clever, you can search through past answers and find an identical (Just similar won't do - it has to be identical. We use lots of acronyms. I'll provide an analogy: You look up a question that you think is similar to "Whenever I go for a ride, there's a lot of friction and bouncing around, and the person I'm riding with experiences a lot of discomfort. What do you recommend I do to fix my VW?" You find the answer is: "Well, you need to get a professional to clean out the engine and lube up the shaft before going for a ride." Turns out the question was actually "What do you recommend I do to fix my VD?") question and then provide the response. This doesn't happen a whole lot, though, so you're left to try and hunt down that one guy. And usually, he's none too happy about being bothered. Personally, I think he should have chosen a less used feature to implement - then he wouldn't have this problem. On the other hand, he does have a lot of job security.
So, there's one question left. This is the question I boycott. There are a few clients that are more like "superclients". That's too laudatory. They're more like tech support groupies. I'm convinced that whenever there's a new release of our software, they take the documentation and read it cover to cover, like a novel. Mind you, I can't imagine what type of person would use more than 25% of our product. Now, different people may use a different 25% - I'm not saying what we make is useless, but NO ONE needs to know everything about all of it. I sure as hell don't. These people have a question pretty much every day. Sometimes they're obscure, sometimes they're obvious, but it doesn't matter. Answering these people only feeds their addiction. They need a support group, not tech support. I refuse to be a part of the problem. I just leave the question there for the next sucker to answer.
The next time you call tech support for your Dell, or for your cell phone, or for your lederhosen, please be understanding. Actually, don't. What do I care? Just don't call me. Or if you do, don't expect an answer.
It can be frustrating waiting around to get a human on the line, but usually it just requires patience. Inevitably, they treat you like a 2-year old. "Is the computer on?" "Did you insert a ham sandwich in the CD drive?" "Are your eyes closed?" Once you get around the obvious questions, then you have to attempt to describe the problem in detail. Often, the support engineer is impatient and/or stupid. Really, it's generally quite unpleasant.
Well, tough! I completely and utterly empathize with disenchanted tech support engineers. Why? Because I am one. My company makes software. Some of it is amazingly complex software. I've been there over 3 years and I would consider myself very familiar with maybe 25% of its functionality. Now, it's not consumer level software: It's network simulation and analysis software, so it's really only intended for people who know their way around a network. ("Take a right at the router, then a left at the hub...don't get tangled up in that Gigabit Ethernet cord!") As part of our responsibilities, all software engineers are required to put in a four-hour tech support shift once a week. I can honestly say that aside from having to clean the urinals with my tongue, that's far and away the worst part of my job. And some weeks, I prefer the urinals.
One reason tech support sucks is because of the complexity of the software. The pieces I don't know, I don't care to know. Let's look at this from the other end, though: When the customer calls TS, they expect the person they talk to be an expert. But, let's be reasonable, folks. Do the Dell guys know everything about a computer? Does anyone know everything about a computer? No, of course not. They likely have a set of webpages or documentation in front of them, so they can answer commonly asked questions. Not only that but, I imagine the Dell guys are full time TS engineers. (How they keep from going utterly batshit crazy, I have no idea.) We are not. We do have a database of frequently asked questions, which are helpful for about 20% of the questions we're asked. The other 80% require more effort.
I'd say in a given four hour shift, we receive about 40-80 questions. There are usually between 3 and 8 people on a shift. That averages to about 10 questions per person, per shift. Maybe you think that's not a lot. You're wrong. Like I said, maybe 20% of these can be answered by pointing the user to the FAQs. Out of the 8 other questions, maybe 1 or 2 are so inherently obvious that it boggles my mind how someone clearly so inept would be allowed to use software that costs at least tens of thousands of dollars. What a waste. These questions aren't easy to answer, mind you. If the person doesn't know how to "double-click", or has tried to install the software on an Apple IIc, it's pretty much futile to try and reason with them. Usually I have to pretend to sympathize with these people. "Yes, sir, of course our software should be designed for people who have had lobotomies. I'll make sure to recommend that to management."
So now we're down to 6 questions. Most of these (let's say 5) are so obscure that there's exactly one person in the company who knows the answer. And no, I'm not that guy. I'm glad I'm not that guy, because I don't understand how that guy gets any work done. Sure, you can try to figure it out without him, but how much of a waste of time is that? I mean, there's a guy that knows the answer. Just ask him! Maybe, if you're clever, you can search through past answers and find an identical (Just similar won't do - it has to be identical. We use lots of acronyms. I'll provide an analogy: You look up a question that you think is similar to "Whenever I go for a ride, there's a lot of friction and bouncing around, and the person I'm riding with experiences a lot of discomfort. What do you recommend I do to fix my VW?" You find the answer is: "Well, you need to get a professional to clean out the engine and lube up the shaft before going for a ride." Turns out the question was actually "What do you recommend I do to fix my VD?") question and then provide the response. This doesn't happen a whole lot, though, so you're left to try and hunt down that one guy. And usually, he's none too happy about being bothered. Personally, I think he should have chosen a less used feature to implement - then he wouldn't have this problem. On the other hand, he does have a lot of job security.
So, there's one question left. This is the question I boycott. There are a few clients that are more like "superclients". That's too laudatory. They're more like tech support groupies. I'm convinced that whenever there's a new release of our software, they take the documentation and read it cover to cover, like a novel. Mind you, I can't imagine what type of person would use more than 25% of our product. Now, different people may use a different 25% - I'm not saying what we make is useless, but NO ONE needs to know everything about all of it. I sure as hell don't. These people have a question pretty much every day. Sometimes they're obscure, sometimes they're obvious, but it doesn't matter. Answering these people only feeds their addiction. They need a support group, not tech support. I refuse to be a part of the problem. I just leave the question there for the next sucker to answer.
The next time you call tech support for your Dell, or for your cell phone, or for your lederhosen, please be understanding. Actually, don't. What do I care? Just don't call me. Or if you do, don't expect an answer.
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