Tuesday, March 30, 2004
Laws I Would Like To See Passed
Sometimes I use this blog to complain about certain things. Instead of writing a separate post on all of the things that annoy me, I hereby present some laws that I would like to have passed:
- All poetry must rhyme. Non-rhyming poetry is fine, but it just cannot be called "poetry". It can be called, say, "pontifitry".
- Circling for parking spaces in a parking lot is only legal for as long as it would take you to walk to your destination from the furthest available spot. Once you have exceeded that time period, you must park in the closest available space immediately. You must take the most direct route to the available space as fast as possible. If absolutely no space is available, you may park on the sidewalk for no more than 30 minutes.
- No one may own more than 3 pets. Not even if they're cute. Note that animals being bred for food do not count as pets, so feel free to stock up on cats.
- Movie theaters MAY show commercials before the movie, but for every minute worth of commercials, the ticket price must be lowered by a dollar. Two dollars per minute for car ads or Mountain Dew ads. Trailers don't count as commercials, even though we know they are. In fact, while I'm at it, there must be at least three trailers before each movie, as well.
- As mentioned before, sending spam is a felony. Unwanted telemarketing will only be a misdemeanor, with a maximum punishment of 300 kicks to the groin.
- No one can ever mention the name "LeBron James" again. Ever. I don't care if he cures cancer.
- The Ten Commandments can be posted in courthouses and schools, but only if they are posted right next to a big sign saying "There is no God. Be good anyways." Equal time, people.
- Using a non-hands-free cell phone while driving is perfectly legal. However, while you are talking on such a cell phone, you lose the right of way entirely. People can cut you off, and even ram into you, and implicitly, you agree that all damages will be your fault. Actually, this even applies while not driving.
- All political offices can only be held for one term. I know, I know, sometimes politicians need more than one term to accomplish their goals. Tough. More frequently, they just spend too much time trying to be re-elected.
There, that's a good start. Maybe I'll revisit this later. Let me know if you have your own ideas.
- All poetry must rhyme. Non-rhyming poetry is fine, but it just cannot be called "poetry". It can be called, say, "pontifitry".
- Circling for parking spaces in a parking lot is only legal for as long as it would take you to walk to your destination from the furthest available spot. Once you have exceeded that time period, you must park in the closest available space immediately. You must take the most direct route to the available space as fast as possible. If absolutely no space is available, you may park on the sidewalk for no more than 30 minutes.
- No one may own more than 3 pets. Not even if they're cute. Note that animals being bred for food do not count as pets, so feel free to stock up on cats.
- Movie theaters MAY show commercials before the movie, but for every minute worth of commercials, the ticket price must be lowered by a dollar. Two dollars per minute for car ads or Mountain Dew ads. Trailers don't count as commercials, even though we know they are. In fact, while I'm at it, there must be at least three trailers before each movie, as well.
- As mentioned before, sending spam is a felony. Unwanted telemarketing will only be a misdemeanor, with a maximum punishment of 300 kicks to the groin.
- No one can ever mention the name "LeBron James" again. Ever. I don't care if he cures cancer.
- The Ten Commandments can be posted in courthouses and schools, but only if they are posted right next to a big sign saying "There is no God. Be good anyways." Equal time, people.
- Using a non-hands-free cell phone while driving is perfectly legal. However, while you are talking on such a cell phone, you lose the right of way entirely. People can cut you off, and even ram into you, and implicitly, you agree that all damages will be your fault. Actually, this even applies while not driving.
- All political offices can only be held for one term. I know, I know, sometimes politicians need more than one term to accomplish their goals. Tough. More frequently, they just spend too much time trying to be re-elected.
There, that's a good start. Maybe I'll revisit this later. Let me know if you have your own ideas.
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