In The Big Inning...

I just had a great time in California (mostly LA, San Diego), visiting friends and family there. However, I regret to inform both of you that virtually everything you have heard about California is a lie. I've been there before, but this time I decided to do some investigating journalism. Let me now debunk these myths that the fiercely pro-California media has been perpetuating:

- California is very warm. This is not true. While I was in California, Washington DC was warmer. This is very obvious manipulation of the media by the short and thong industry.

- LA traffic is terrible. Honestly, I think this myth has been pushed by the current residents of LA, trying to keep more people from moving there and stealing their precious natural resources. (They have plenty: Don't buy the crap about a power shortage or lack of drinking water.) While we were there, we were virtually always moving at top speed. There was certainly nothing like the Beltway traffic there, that's for sure.

- Disneyland has long lines. We never had to wait for more than half an hour for any of the rides. I mean, it was crowded, but I guess everyone was just waiting for the parade, because we never had any problems. I don't know who might be creating this myth, but Disney should start debunking it.

- California girls are prettier. Some are, some aren't. Their breasts are faker, though, that's for sure.

- John Wayne had big feet. Well, this isn't a well-known myth, but you should know that it's false. We went to Grauman's Chinese Theater and found his footprint in the concrete, and it's pretty tiny. Bigger than Shirley Temple's, but not by much. He must have been a dainty fellow.

- You have to be important to get a star on the "Walk of Fame". Not true. I guess the propagators of this lie are those with stars, who want to increase their standing in life. Some of the people with stars include Jamie Lee Curtis and Steven Seagal. Hell, you don't even have to be real: Kermit the Frog (who is actually deserving), Snow White, and even the RUGRATS have a star!

- Rodeo Drive is nice. Well, it is kinda nice, but they let ME walk on it, so it's obviously not THAT nice.

- California has earthquakes and mudslides. We were there for over 4 days and did not experience one earthquake or mudslide! Not one! It was a bit windy one day, though.

I'm glad that the truth will finally emerge. My friends, if I suddenly disappear, and then am found buried in a vat of citrus fruit, you'll know why. But the truth must be known!