In The Big Inning...

So, I had a gift certificate to Barnes and Noble a while ago, and decided to buy myself yet another book. To be honest, this wasn't the wisest move. Had I been thinking, I would have just purchased 10 Frappucinos, because I am accumulating reading material at a rate that will soon result in my home being overtaken by magazines, and I'll have to swim to the bathroom. I did, however, finally let my Maxim subscription run out, so that alone will at least increase the total aggregate intelligence in my house, if not significantly reduce the amount of material I have.

At any rate, I bought a book, called "Committed", by Mark St. Amant, supposedly about a fantasy football "junkie" who quit his job and tried to find the secret to fantasy football. Now, I'm a moderate fan of fantasy football, but really I just bought this book because I figured it'd be an interesting and insightful read. Boy was I wrong. I would link you to the book, but I don't want to patronize this guy. If you really want to see how crappy this book is, just let me know and I'll borrow it, although if I really care about you, I won't make you suffer, so maybe it'll be a good litmus test of our friendship.

So, I bought the book and read it, and, well, it sucked. I mean, it wasn't painful...well, yeah, it kind of was. The writing style was a combination of Bill Simmons without the clever references, just the excessive pop-culture asides, and Dave Barry, when he's being incredibly forced, and a really advanced four-year old. Apparently this guy has a website, which I visited, called "The Sports Rag". Find it yourself if you want a taste of his so-called "humor". I promise you that you won't waste a lot of time there.

The story itself was just flat-out stupid. I'm no fantasy football zealot, but I've developed a reasonable amount of strategy by playing in a few leagues for the past three or four years, and I learned nothing from this guy. NOTHING! Can you imagine if I quit my job and just wrote a book about something as mundane as playing fantasy football, without doing any real research, and then tried to sell myself as a "fantasy football junkie"? Well, I guess you might consider me a brilliant businessman if I was able to pull it off. I mean, the guy did sucker me. At any rate, doing stupid things like quitting your job doesn't make you a "junkie" - it makes you a "moron".

So, at the end of this book, the author provided his email address so that readers could provide suggestions. He also claimed that if we were unhappy, he'd be pleased to give us refunds, but alas he did not have our addresses. I decided to help him out:

Dear Mr. St. Amant,

So, since you offered, I'm writing to you to tell you what's on my mind after reading your book. Basically, I feel like I was ripped off for 24 bucks. Now, I don't mean to insult you, but I definitely would like to explain why I'm so irritated - I'm not one of those compulsive "returners", but you did claim that you couldn't offer me a refund because you don't have my address. Well, if you're going to offer a refund, I'll gladly provide you my address:

David Berman
10676 Weymouth Street, Unit #202
Bethesda, MD 20814

Your book attracted me because it seemed like a good premise. Basically, I was expecting some sort of insight - ANY insight into fantasy football. I've been playing a few leagues for about four years now, and I found NOTHING new in your book. No advice, no compelling stories, no interesting statistical analysis, nothing. I could have written your book, which basically seemed to emulate Bill Simmons as much as possible, except without the dry wit - just the excessive cultural references. Maybe there was a bit of Dave Barry thrown in there as well.

I was frustrated with your writing style, which struck me as rather juvenile. Instead of sympathizing with you and your determination to win the league, I instead found myself thinking that you were obsessive for no reason - it's not like you actually did a whole lot of work to somehow elevate yourself to the "next level" of fantasy football player - rather, you obsessed and complained and watched a lot of TV, and then ended up right back where you started. You talked on a couple chat boards and took a couple of road trips - you really didn't put yourself out there too much. I've dedicated a lot of times to fantasy leagues too, but basically the difference between me and you was that you quit your job first. Maybe that makes you an official "junkie", but I would have hoped in all the spare time you could have come up with a set of stories beyond "Yes, Priest Holmes went crazy today!" and "I got screwed by Joe Horn"...over and over again.

So, there are my complaints. Now, I have no delusions that you will have the time or the inclination to respond to this, especially because I imagine that this book is close to your heart. If I have insulted you, I apologize, but I did want to express to you that I feel very frustrated that I have wasted both my time and my money on your pedestrian tale.

Sincerely,

David Berman

Now, I really didn't expect him to write me back. I figured that maybe there were tons of people that had been duped like I was, and that Mr. Big Shot author wouldn't have the time to reply. But I guess I was wrong, as he did reply (from his wife's email address, I might add, which strikes me as a bit strange - you'd think he'd have gotten his act together a bit...or maybe his wife wrote it for him).

Mr. Berman,

Thanks for writing. While I'm of course disappointed to hear that you didn't enjoy COMMITTED as much as everyone else has, one of the first things I learned as a writer was that you simply can't please everyone. Being criticized by readers just comes with the territory.

That said, as you no doubt know from your four years of fantasy playing, this is a huge industry with a huge audience. And since COMMITTED is the first book of its kind about fantasy football, there's plenty of room for another ­ so, by all means, I encourage you to write your own take on fantasy football. I'd be happy to return the favor by not only buying your book, but giving you my opinion when finished.

Thanks again for writing. Hope you're having a fun FF
season.

Mark St. Amant

Hey, a reply! I was impressed. Of course, he could have just summarized by saying:

"Dear Mr. Berman,

You are an idiot. Everyone likes my book but you. Go write your own book, and then I'll tell you that it sucks too."

So, to summarize:

If you are a consumer, don't buy this book. If you do, don't read it. The sky-blue cover will look quite decorative on your shelf, and then you won't have to waste your time.

If you are an author, don't write a crappy book. If you do, don't publish your email address in it.