In The Big Inning...

Wow, did I see some crappy movies this year. At least 50% of the movies I saw I'd say weren't very good. And there are many more out there that I actually do want to see. I think I need to be more discerning. Director's cuts that were released on DVD don't count as new movies, to me, so there's no LOTR:ROTK or The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly, both of which would place very near the top....if I was a big cheater.

I know it's long. Read whatever you want. Even better, write your own!

I've divided things up into sections:

Terrible F'n Movies

34. Garfield (20 minutes)

Sam and I were going to see some other movie and got there quite early, so we figured we'd watch some other movie for a bit until our show started. I'm not sure why we chose Garfield, but I'm going to regret that decision for the rest of my life. The stink of that movie will not wash off of my eyeballs, so the next time you see me, try not to smell my eyeballs. I used to read the comic (which I now think is pretty terrible), and the movie exists in some strange half-world where Garfield's a CG character, but Odie's a real dog that looks nothing like the cartoon Odie. And Garfield dances to "I Feed Good". How original. The first 20 minutes were worse than any full movie I've seen in the past few years.

33. Club Dread

I thought Super Troopers was quite amusing. I figured I'd Netflix this for some inspired stupidity. Well, I got the stupidity part right. Has Bill Paxton really been reduced to this? I can't even begin to explain how lame this movie was - a spoof of a horror movie that never existed, for good reason. Avoid like you'd avoid a plague-infested Garfield..

32. Van Helsing

Maybe I need to start reading the comic books that are the basis for all of the movies I see, so I'll know what I'm getting into. I thought that CG technology was supposed to improve over time. This was just one big mess, in every sense. I don't even know if I can remember what happened - something like Dracula using the power of Frankenstein to create little vampire babies and Van Helsing having to use the power of Wolfman to stop him. Sounds compelling, right? You may ask what I was expecting to see in such a movie, and the answer is something a bit better than this disaster.

31. The Day After Tomorrow

I don't know why some conservatives got upset at this movie. People felt that it was blowing the global warming issue out of proportion and creating a fervor, and I did see some articles like "The Day After Tomorrow: Could It Actually Happen?" Personally, if I was a conservative politician and my supporters were concerned about this movie affecting people's environmental views, I would have just advised them to encourage people to go see it, because it would have convinced all of the viewers that people worried about global warming can't put a coherent thought together. Certainly, the creators of this movie weren't able to. And let me ask you - the temperature outside is dropping a 10 degrees a minute or something, what would you be most concerned about? If you answered "wolves", congratulations - you're qualified to make this movie. They could have rendered a realistic image of all of Long Island being lifted up into the air and being deposited onto Boston, and it wouldn't have redeemed this film. So, so dumb.

Just Bad Movies

30. Bridget Jones: The Edge Of Reason

I suppose this would be the one movie that I got dragged to, but it wasn't by Sam. No, in fact, it was Alice, who called me and asked if the four of us could go to a movie, and if I'd be willing to see this movie. I told her that if she could convince Sam to see it, I would go. I don't know what sort of magical power Alice has over Sam, but I think after 20 minutes of pleading, Sam caved, and so we were consigned to our fates. To Alice's credit, this movie wasn't that horrible, it was just silly. At the very least, it had good acting, but it lost me right around the time where Bridget got locked in a Thai prison for a couple weeks. Or maybe it lost me at the opening credits, I forget.

29. Spartan

Blech. So much potential wasted. Val Kilmer as a special ops dude trying to rescue the President's seemingly kidnapped daughter. Spartan really refers to the production values of this movie, as well as the time spent on the plot. This is a movie Dave Wall would think he would like, but he'd be wrong.

28. The Girl Next Door

I really don't know why I watched this movie. I mean, Elisha Cuthbert is hot, but there are tons of other random movies with hot chicks. I guess I thought it could be entertaining, and a few people had said it was good. But really, it's very stupid, and utterly ridiculous. None of the characters behave like any normal person would. Think of it like The Graduate, except with a (not very convincing) porn star instead of Mrs. Robinson, and aimed at morons.

27. The Grudge

Someone just took a bunch of things they thought were creepy and gruesome (and vague) ways to die, and put them into a movie. Individual scenes might be a bit compelling, but when you put them into a whole movie, it becomes tiresome and absurd. Worst of all, there are no rules - it you go into the house, you will eventually die by some method. Kind of like The Ring, but much worse, and with a house instead of a videotape.

26. The Ladykillers

Oh, Coens, why have you foresaken me? And with Tom Hanks in there, how could this turn out this badly? But somehow, they screw this up, with Hanks' accent and laugh becoming more and more grating. It's hard to believe, but maybe the Coens have lost their magic. Want proof? A central plot point of this movie is Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Funny, eh?

Take 'Em or Leave 'Em

25. Bourne Supremacy

There is clearly a dearth of solid, simply-told action movies these days, and the popularity of this movie is evidence of that fact. I found nothing that original, exciting or compelling about this movie, but since everything's relative, people seemed to really like it. A lot of people were gushing over how awesome the car chase was, but how could they tell? The herky-jerky camera made me want to vomit. I'll admit that the glowing reviews for this movie probably made me like it a little less.

24. Coffee and Cigarettes (half)

Entertainment Weekly was offering a free downloaded movie from Movielink (I think), so chose this movie. I started watching it, and then stopped to go to sleep, and then when I started again in the morning, the movie had "expired". But the half of it that I saw was kind of interesting. It was basically a series of shorts all revolving around people meeting to have coffee and smoking cigarettes. The best one involved Cate Blanchett playing herself and her own cousin simultaneously. Cate Blanchett may be my favorite actress, in terms of talent.

23. Starsky and Hutch

Ben Stiller certainly is prolific, but didn't do so well this year. I can only remember bits and pieces of this film, and none of them are very funny. Owen Wilson is grating, and Ben Stiller is ubiquitous, and the same character every time. When the second best thing about your movie is Snoop Dogg (the best was Vince Vaughn), then you're in trouble.

22. In Good Company

I really should spend January and February seeing Oscar-nominated movies, instead of just-released movies. Nothing really happens in this film. And I have no idea why Scarlett Johannsen is attracted to Topher Grace. Dennis Quaid actually isn't bad, as a noble ad sales exec, but ultimately, this was just a bland feel-good movie. I do find it hard to believe that Scarlett's only 19, though. She talks like a 40-year-old. Maybe that's part of her appeal.

21. Saw

Look at me! I'm grimy and disturbing and disgusting! Can't you see that I'm just like Se7en?

No, I'm sorry, you're not. Nice try. Cary Elwes's acting made me want to cut my own foot off. I didn't see the "twist" coming, but I also didn't really care.

20. Saved!

This movie had a ton of potential. I thought it was going to be a nice, dark satire about a Christian high school, and what happens when one girl gets pregnant (trying to cure her gay boyfriend, of course). It even had Macaulay Culkin! And it started our pretty well - very irreverent, and often clever, and then sold itself out completely with a nicely wrapped ending. A for effort, D for execution.

19. Ocean's Twelve

What the hell happened here? Were they even trying? Instead of making up some ridiculous plot about being hunted by Andy Garcia and having to steal an egg in order to repay him, and competing with some other legendary thief, why not just put all 11 (forget CZJ - she added very little) guys in a room for two hours and just have them talk? It would have been more entertaining, and then we wouldn't have had to endure the "Julia Roberts" gimmick. In some interview, they were talking about how "risky" a move that was (I'm trying not to give the movie away), which should be Hollywood code for "stupid". A risky move that succeeds is usually described as "original" or "brilliant".

Worth A Rental

18. Dawn of the Dead

I really ought to stop reading reviews. A ton of people gave this movie glowing reviews, and while it was ok, I can't figure out why it was so loved. It works as a standard horror/action movie, and is quite violent and over-the-top, which is exactly what the audience was looking for. But it wasn't particularly original or scary or intelligent, and it pains me to see Ving Rhames in mediocre roles such as this one. Maybe I was missing some sort of nuance because I didn't see the original, which I'm sure was very subtle.

17. Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story

Another movie ranked lower than it probably should be because of lost potential. At least there were some memorable moments here, although the only one that really sticks out in my mind is the scene from the trailer: "If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball." I'm also particularly fond of Jason Bateman as the announcer on ESPN 8, "The Ocho". But they could have gone way over the top in this movie and made it hilarious, and instead they just half-assed it, I thought.

16. Hellboy

Maybe I didn't read enough comic books as a kid. I just don't seem to appreciate movies based off of them. I loved the style of this movie. Bright colors, dark themes, a lot of contrast. That was fantastic. And the characters were ok too, but it just wasn't a compelling enough story for me.

15. Collateral

Michael Mann continues to puzzle me. He seems much more concerned with style and mood that with plot. I love the way he works somewhat seedy yet obviously affectionate images of LA at night into the film. The leading actors in this movie are quite impressive - I never really thought I'd buy Tom Cruise as a badass hitman, but for the most part he pulls it off. Jamie Foxx is solid, but the supporting cast is kind of weak. This falls into the category of movie that starts off with a very good setup and could go in any number of exciting ways, but ultimately winds up to be somewhat predictable.

14. Spider-Man 2

My lack of comic book movie appreciation continues. Kirsten Dunst cannot act, nor is she that attractive. I like Tobey Maguire as Peter Parker; he certainly conveys a sense of humanity that few superheroes have. And the effects in this move were vastly improved - the scenes where he's swinging around buildings don't look nearly as ridiculous. I think this movie was pretty much exactly what I expected - no better, no worse. It's tough to build tension when superhero story arcs are so well-known.

Were Worth Seeing In Theaters; Now It's Too Late

13. Hero

As Alice Tu put it, this picture has some very Chinese themes. Visually, it is a masterpiece. Crouching Tiger achieved a sort of ballet with fighting, and Hero takes it one step further by adding brilliant color and fantastic dynamic elements (arrows, raindrops). But the characters are pretty weak, and the plot, while attempting to imitate Rashomon (multiple different viewpoints), really isn't complex or interesting enough to warrant the attention. And, admittedly, the overarching theme of sacrifice for the greater good is a little too ham-fisted to be compelling. I hear that "House of Flying Daggers" is even better than "Hero", so I probably should get off my butt and see it soon. Still, if you're looking for a Kung Fu movie that a chick would probably enjoy, this is a good start.

12. Meet the Fockers

This movie was a pleasant surprise. Ben Stiller has run his course for me, but Hoffman and Streisand were actually a nice addition. They seemed like they were actually having fun making this movie, unlike Teri Polo, who seems to have a perpetual scowl. There was still a lot recycled from the first movie. At least this one will have a lasting impression on the culture: "Asssssss...hooooooole."

11. Super Size Me

A lot of people assume that this movie just blames McDonald's for rampant health problems in American, but that's drastically oversimplifying the case this movie makes. Morgan Spurlock is amiable and engaging, and uses his little gimmick of eating McDonald's food exclusively for a month to bring attention to our need for health eating AND responsible business practices. While you probably won't learn a lot that you didn't know (fast food is bad for you?), it does provide some good insight to how prolific the fast food business is, and how ignorant (or apathetic) about nutrition most Americans really are. It's fun and informative, which is pretty much all you can ask of a documentary.

10. Eurotrip

It's pretty rare that I'll see a movie and it will be entirely different from my expectations. Whoever named this movie did it a giant disservice by attempting to latch on to the success of "Road Trip", because it is far superior. It is much funnier, and while it does trade on the standard "gross out" humor, it's got a lot more respect for its characters. Sure, it's ridiculous and juvenile, but it's much closer to "There's Something About Mary" than, say, "Freddy Got Fingered". Movies don't get much funnier than when Scotty learns that his girlfriend has been cheating on him by going to a party and hearing the band, led by a punk-y Matt Damon, play a song called "Scotty Doesn't Know". The next time you're in the mood for a silly, fun comedy, go rent it.

9. Miracle

Hey, I like a nice feel-good story as much as anyone. And, since I was only 3 when this happened, and never really cared about hockey, I didn't know the details of the story. It's well told, and pretty well-acted. Apparently they attempted to capture the plays as they actually happened, which I suppose I would appreciate if I had seen the real thing. They also had to go with unknown actors that could actually play hockey, except for Eddie Cahill as the goalie. Usually they're pretty subtle about it, but it's kind of amusing when they show some hockey scene and then do a quick cut to him removing his mask. Still, this was a well-crafted movie, and was a bit reminiscent of Apollo 13, in that you know exactly what's going to happen, but the tension is still there.

8. Anchorman

A comedy without Ben Stiller? Yes, they do exist, much to my surprise. I found this movie to just be inspired lunacy, and I laughed a whole lot more than I did in Dodgeball, where I merely chortled. Many comedies do something silly and end it - Anchorman takes things to their logical extremes and then goes completely beyond normalcy. I wish more comedies were less constrained by standard logic or plot points. And Steve Carell as an idiot named "Brick" is just perfect.

7. Shrek 2

I think I enjoyed this movie even more than the first one. They put in a lot of nice, amusing touches, and keep the story off-kilter but vrey entertaining. Frankly, I could do without Donkey (how many entertaining sidekick animals do we need in this world?), but Antonio Banderas as Puss in Boots more than makes up for him. The Shrek series is clearly influenced by the Simpsons, with its multitude of throwaway sight gags (especially storefront names) and amusing tangents, but if every single movie ever made took something from the Simpsons, I think we'd all be better off.

Very Good Movies

6. Fahrenheit 9/11

Oh, don't get all bent out of shape. This movie is not a documentary; it's an op-ed piece. So people should stop getting all pissed off about it being one-sided and manipulative, and realize that they're probably mostly pissed because it's a very effective film. It takes a position and effectively argues it. Yes, it's disingenuous at times. (Although I don't believe that anyone's claimed the $10K Moore was offering to anyone who found a factual error in it.) Additionally, it's very entertaining to watch, and sparked the press and the public to start asking questions about the Iraq War that they weren't asking before. That's a powerful movie.

5. Kill Bill: Volume 2

I know that liking Volume 1 more than Volume 2 makes me a movie heathen, but I'm ok with that. Still, that doesn't mean I can't appreciate Volume 2, even if it wasn't as viscerally exciting. It's pretty amazing how Tarantino can create two movies that are so disparate in style, yet still seem to fit together amazingly well. Volume 2 is more subtle (which isn't that hard to do, honestly), and more slowly-paced, but still builds tension and conflict masterfully. Watching the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly for the first time this year gave me new perspective on this movie. And in case you don't think that Tarantino is capable of nuance, go to Metaphilm.com and read their analysis - you'll definitely learn something new. (Just search for Kill Bill - I'm sure you can find it.)

4. The Terminal

Spielberg's just a pro, and he shows it time and time again. He invests his movies with more natural humanity (I didn't see A.I., so that allows me to remain blissfully ignorant of it) than anyone I can think of. This movie is quite flawed, but it's always entertaining, and often endearing (sometimes too much so). Aside from the magnificence of the gigantic set piece that is the terminal itself, it's always impressive to see how Spielberg makes you care about his characters, and all of their little actions and interactions that compose their lives. Tom Hanks takes what could be a grating or sappy role and makes it compelling. The ending is a little weak (especially the actions of Stanley Tucci's character), but not bad enough to undermine the quality picture that comes before.

3. Metallica: Some Kind of Monster

I don't know if it's possible for me to write anything about this movie that will make you want to see it. Personally, Metallica's my favorite band, so it's pretty difficult for me to be unbiased - I'm naturally going to find a documentary about them interesting. But, I do know I'm not alone in finding this compelling - many critics (most of them stodgy old bastards who would never listen to Metallica) have found this compelling. Maybe people my age that aren't Metallica fans might find this movie irritating, as I have heard the complain that it's like watching 2 hours of rock stars complaining. For people my age, rock stars have been a bit de-mythologized, and so seeing James deal with addiction, or Lars wrestle with his self-imposed Napster problems aren't compelling issues. Whereas older people might just think of Metallica as crazy, larger-than-life, inhuman idols, and so are amazed to see them actually be introspective and thoughtful. What is truly amazing about this movie is the level of access the filmmakers were able to get, and it allows the movie to seem refreshingly honest. Even if you aren't fond of Metallica's music, and even if you have no particular sympathy for millionaire rock stars, I still think you'll be surprised by this movie, and might even find something redeeming about how willing these guys are to lay it all out on the table. If you find yourself rooting for them by the end, well, I won't tell anyone.

2. The Incredibles

A beautiful, funny, charming movie. It's nice to see Pixar moving into a little more mature territory. Sam Jackson needs to do more roles like this and less like Coach Carter (which I have not seen and have no interest in). He's on the verge of becoming a caricature of himself (which makes it ironic that cartoon role like this one help alleviate that). Unlike Shrek, which seems very Simpsonian, you can see the Disney origins of this movie, but it's been modernized.

1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Some years I anguish over what should be number one, but there was no contest here. Now, admittedly, there are a lot of good movies that I haven't gotten to see, but since I can only rate the ones I did, it was pretty clear-cut. This is one of the few movies on the list that actually stick with you. I want movies to challenge me, both logically and emotionally. I want them to make me think, but entertain me at the same time. Eternal Sunshine excels in pretty much all areas - it's challenging, original, funny, sad, clever, and exciting. Visually, it's colorful and compelling, and Gondry does about as good a job as I can imagine conveying what the inside of someone's mind looks like. Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet carry this movie, and they have to, because Kirsten Dunst and Elijah Wood do not. This movie isn't perfect - some of the plot points are a little too convenient, and it's kind of amusing that it nails the ethereal concepts like memory and love better than the grounded ones like cause-and-effect. Another bonus is that the ending is perfect and vague, yet still satisfying. Too many movies feel like they have to tie everything up just so, but even good movies often can't find satisfying conclusions, so they become trite or forced (see the Terminal, Collateral, Spider-Man 2, etc...). Eternal Sunshine avoids this, and leaves you wanting more.