Sunday, February 27, 2005
2005 Running Academy Awards Blog
It worked pretty well last year. Let's go for it again...
6:17 pm: I'm watching the Red Carpet, this time with that paragon of humanity Star Jones instead of the amazingly grating Rivers family. I really don't enjoy the Red Carpet, but there are certainly some amusing moments. For some ungodly reason, Kathy Griffin is one of the "anchors". Her whole shtick seems to derive from the fact that she's basically no funnier than anyone else, and she knows it. Hey, I'm not funnier than most other people! Give me a job!
6:19pm: We're back from commercial! I honestly think they had to squeeze Star into her dress with ten thousand shoehorns operated simultaneously by a team of Lilliputians. She's still popping out. It's creepy. As Sam said, "She is a fat woman! She's a lot of woman!"
6:20pm: Every year they claim that the Oscars is watched around the globe by billions of people. I don't doubt it. But, to paraphrase David Cross, overblown, lavish events like this are one of the reasons that certain areas of the world detest us so much. Actually, David Cross's routine begins where he's talking about the Bush saying that we have to fight the terrorists because "they hate our freedom". Then he mentions the amazingly stupid "Simple Life" show, and says, "I hate our freedom! This is all we've done with it?!" For a lot of the time, the amazingly quality of the work that's honored at the Oscars makes me proud to be an American. Movies like "Million Dollar Baby" and "The Incredibles" represent American ingenuity and artistry. But the pageantry surround this event also shows some of our misplaced priorities. I PROMISE I won't be this serious for the rest of the night. I swear.
6:35pm: Star Jones has rhinestones (maybe they're real gems?) on her MICROPHONE. This is what I was talking about in the last paragraph. And, "Van Helsing". "Van Helsing" makes me hate our freedom too.
6:50pm: Why do so many people find Natalie Portman attractive? I just don't get it. I guess she's decently pretty, but maybe it's her performances in the Star Wars "movies" (and I use the term "movies" pretty loosely) that have permanently turned me off from her. I guess I haven't actually seen any of her other movies, so who am I to judge? Well, me, that's who! If I wasn't going to do any judging tonight, what would the point of this post be? And while I'm judging, let me point out that to wear such a low-cut dress, Natalie, you have to have SOMETHING to hold it up. Otherwise, it just emphasizes your flatness.
7:01pm: Who dressed Laura Linney like the frost queen? Do these people actually look at themselves before they leave the house?
7:05pm: To be fair, it must be so much easier to be a guy at one of these things than a woman. I mean really, you slap on a tux, and for the most part, you look great. Unless you're Peter Jackson - then you might as well just show up in sweats.
7:06pm: Why do people hate Leonardo DiCaprio so much? Because he was in Titanic? Because he looks boyish? I can't quite figure it out. I think he's a very good actor, and he's pretty articulate on the Red Carpet. Maybe people are just jealous.
7:14pm: Lou Gossett Jr.? Was he even invited? But, man, does he look sharp! It must be nice to be a black man, and therefore look OK in a white tux.
7:39pm: Samuel L. Jackson has claimed that Morgan Freeman is the coolest man in Hollywood. He may be right.
7:54pm: Before things start, let me say a couple things. One is that I think Chris Rock could be the best host they've ever had. But he's going to be completely irreverent, and while Hollywood likes entertaining, talent people, I think they also have a limit on how much crap they're going to take. My belief is that he really doesn't like the whole Hollywood game, but maybe I'm completely off about that. I assume there will be at least a few instances where the crowd falls silent because of some completely scathing remake Rock makes - at least, I hope so.
7:57pm: Now, for my picks! Well, I've only seen one of the Best Picture nominees: Million Dollar Baby. So, I'm rooting for that to win everything, even the awards it's not nominated for, like Best Visual Effects. (Maybe it should be - did you see Hillary Swank wallop those other women boxers? I hope that wasn't real!)
8:01pm: What, this thing doesn't actually start until 8:30? How do they get away with publishing incorrect starting times, just so they can get in another half hour of advertising?
8:02pm: Ah, Billy Bush. It's a Republican conspiracy - that's how they get away with it. I should have known.
8:03pm: Hillary Swank is very talented. And she's dressed very elegantly. But she has a gigantic mouth, and a very square jaw, and that, at times, make her look like a horse. It's a bit unfortunate.
8:06pm: What is wrong with Renee Zellweger? With her brown hair, and her over-inflated lips, she looks like quite old. Maybe it was gaining and losing and gaining and losing the weight for the Bridget Jones nonsense.
8:10pm: Well, this is sure crazy! Would you believe that the dress Virginia Madsen is wearing is the last one that she tried on? Imagine that!
8:14pm: How many times do you think they had to hit the chisel with the mallet in order to make Kirsten Dunst's dimples? I say eighteen.
8:21pm: Kevin on Antonio Banderas: "Does he ever wash his hair? I'm thoroughly convinced he does not." Of course, when you're Antonio Banderas, you don't have to.
8:29pm: Billy Bush just said that 50 statuettes are waiting backstage to be awarded in 24 categories. Doesn't that mean we could figure out who is going to win and who isn't? Like, if there's a group of 12 people, we know they're more likely to win, because those statues have to go to some people, right? I mean, they don't have more statues than they need, do they? Or maybe they have extras in case some break? I should use this information to gamble on the results.
8:31pm: Who is announcing the opening montage? My guess is Tom Hanks. Or maybe Dustin Hoffman. Can't quite be sure. Whoa - there was some Nicole Kidman nipple in that "Eyes Wide Shut" clip. Don't tell the FCC!
8:33pm: There are screens on the ceiling of the Kodak theater? Is that really necessary?
8:34pm: Shrek and Charlie Chaplin? Sure, why the hell not. It was kinda cute.
8:35pm: I have nothing to say during Chris Rock's monologue. The guy's still got it. Can we watch 4 hours of him?
8:43pm: If you were Halle Berry, would you just slap Chris Rock for that crack about "the eagerly-awaited Catwoman 2" ? I would. And doesn't Best Supporting Actor/Actress normally go first? Apparently I'm uninformed. Maybe the email the Academy was supposed to send me notifying me of changes got accidentally spam-filtered.
8:45pm: Two statuettes down, forty-eight to go. I don't know how I feel about bringing out every nominee on stage. I guess it makes things faster, but it still seems a bit weird.
8:49pm: Best Supporting Actor. Ok, Morgan, time to bring it home....here we go...an actual award...Morgan Freeman! It's about time! I wonder if he has a tattoo on the back of his head like Jamie Foxx does, but we can't see it because of his hair. I bet so.
8:55pm: You know, the juxtaposition of Robin Williams with Chris Rock just shows how old Robin Williams's schtick has gotten. I think that applause for him is just politeness. He looks like he's this close to being homeless.
8:57pm: Best Animated Feature. Is there any way this isn't The Incredibles? It was almost nominated for Best Picture. Waiting...waiting...Incredibles. Thought so. Hey, I'm two-for-two!
9:01pm: Best Makeup, done in the aisle by Cate Blanchett. (One of my favorite actresses.) This is the Oscars on speed, with the microphone in the middle of the aisle. Crazy. But I guess that's how you speed it up, eh? I wonder if the stars feel like it takes away from the specialness of their night, with everything being rushed so much. Ha, silly stars. Get rid of the songs! That will make it a lot faster, for sure. Are the songs that important, that they should take a cumulative 20 minutes? Why not show 20 minutes worth of scenes from the Best Picture nominees instead? I know, I know - it's marketing, and a good chance for cross-promotion with the music industry. I don't have to like it, though.
9:10pm: I'm leaving for my soccer game. Thank you, Lord TiVo, for allowing me to enjoy this magnificent spectacle at my leisure!
11:02pm: SCREW YOU, LORD TIVO! You didn't record what I told you to! How dare you defy me?!? So, I now have lost those two hours. Dammit. Well, I'll try and wrap up. Crap. At least we didn't miss the biggies.
11:12pm: Goodness, Hillary Swank, didn't you learn in the past not to thank yours lawyers? It's pretty obscene how lopsided it is in terms of the time they give the Best Actor/Actress people versus, say, the Art Direction people.
11:14pm: Best Foreign Language Film. When it doubt, the Oscar's going to go to the only person you've heard of - that's Alejandro Amenabar for "The Sea Inside".
11:15pm: Sam: "The best part about the non-native speakers is that they always keep their speeches really short." Well said, baby.
11:16pm: Best Original Screenplay. This is one of the few I really care about. It's gotta go to "Eternal Sunshine". I know it's not MOST Original, but I don't care. Woohoo! Go Charlie Kaufman. We'll promise to foget about "Adaptation" if you keep writing better and better stuff.
11:18pm: Those models that walk people to and from the podium are gigantic! Where do they get them, "Rent-an-Amazon" ?
11:23pm: Charlie Theron is presenting Best Actor. Kevin: "She looks less orange than she did last year." Sam: "Indeed."
11:24pm: Who's it going to be? My guess is Jamie Foxx. I know, don't go out on a limb, right? The winner is...Foxx, of course. Well, good for him. Maybe I should see the movie someday.
11:31pm: How would the Ramones feel if they knew "Blitzkreig Bop" was being used to sell Diet Pepsi? I think they'd be decidedly upset.
11:32pm: Julia Roberts (clearly still nursing) is presenting Best Director. I think it's gotta go to Marty. Nope! It goes to Clint Eastwood. Well, he deserved it. I guess Marty's going to have to wait. Man, I hope he gets it some day. Clint seems kinda nonplussed. Is there any way Million Dollar Baby doesn't win it all? Clint Eastwood's mother is here? At 96!? I thought HE was 96.
11:35pm: Who the hell was that in the balcony? Pam Grier?
11:36pm: The "Fockers" are announcing Best Picture. Dustin Hoffman seems like he might fall asleep at any moment. If it's not Million Dollar Baby, I'll be shocked. I would like to say it deserves it, but that's kinda unfair to all the others that I didn't see. Still, it's a great, well-made movie, so it won't be as horrible as, say, Gladiator winning. Yup, it won.
11:38pm: Well, that wraps it up. It doesn't seem like I missed a whole lot! And they got it in in almost 3 hours. Pretty impressive. Hope you enjoyed my account. Until next year!
P.S. I just realized what music they're using for the credits. It's the theme from "Terminator 2". Cool!
6:17 pm: I'm watching the Red Carpet, this time with that paragon of humanity Star Jones instead of the amazingly grating Rivers family. I really don't enjoy the Red Carpet, but there are certainly some amusing moments. For some ungodly reason, Kathy Griffin is one of the "anchors". Her whole shtick seems to derive from the fact that she's basically no funnier than anyone else, and she knows it. Hey, I'm not funnier than most other people! Give me a job!
6:19pm: We're back from commercial! I honestly think they had to squeeze Star into her dress with ten thousand shoehorns operated simultaneously by a team of Lilliputians. She's still popping out. It's creepy. As Sam said, "She is a fat woman! She's a lot of woman!"
6:20pm: Every year they claim that the Oscars is watched around the globe by billions of people. I don't doubt it. But, to paraphrase David Cross, overblown, lavish events like this are one of the reasons that certain areas of the world detest us so much. Actually, David Cross's routine begins where he's talking about the Bush saying that we have to fight the terrorists because "they hate our freedom". Then he mentions the amazingly stupid "Simple Life" show, and says, "I hate our freedom! This is all we've done with it?!" For a lot of the time, the amazingly quality of the work that's honored at the Oscars makes me proud to be an American. Movies like "Million Dollar Baby" and "The Incredibles" represent American ingenuity and artistry. But the pageantry surround this event also shows some of our misplaced priorities. I PROMISE I won't be this serious for the rest of the night. I swear.
6:35pm: Star Jones has rhinestones (maybe they're real gems?) on her MICROPHONE. This is what I was talking about in the last paragraph. And, "Van Helsing". "Van Helsing" makes me hate our freedom too.
6:50pm: Why do so many people find Natalie Portman attractive? I just don't get it. I guess she's decently pretty, but maybe it's her performances in the Star Wars "movies" (and I use the term "movies" pretty loosely) that have permanently turned me off from her. I guess I haven't actually seen any of her other movies, so who am I to judge? Well, me, that's who! If I wasn't going to do any judging tonight, what would the point of this post be? And while I'm judging, let me point out that to wear such a low-cut dress, Natalie, you have to have SOMETHING to hold it up. Otherwise, it just emphasizes your flatness.
7:01pm: Who dressed Laura Linney like the frost queen? Do these people actually look at themselves before they leave the house?
7:05pm: To be fair, it must be so much easier to be a guy at one of these things than a woman. I mean really, you slap on a tux, and for the most part, you look great. Unless you're Peter Jackson - then you might as well just show up in sweats.
7:06pm: Why do people hate Leonardo DiCaprio so much? Because he was in Titanic? Because he looks boyish? I can't quite figure it out. I think he's a very good actor, and he's pretty articulate on the Red Carpet. Maybe people are just jealous.
7:14pm: Lou Gossett Jr.? Was he even invited? But, man, does he look sharp! It must be nice to be a black man, and therefore look OK in a white tux.
7:39pm: Samuel L. Jackson has claimed that Morgan Freeman is the coolest man in Hollywood. He may be right.
7:54pm: Before things start, let me say a couple things. One is that I think Chris Rock could be the best host they've ever had. But he's going to be completely irreverent, and while Hollywood likes entertaining, talent people, I think they also have a limit on how much crap they're going to take. My belief is that he really doesn't like the whole Hollywood game, but maybe I'm completely off about that. I assume there will be at least a few instances where the crowd falls silent because of some completely scathing remake Rock makes - at least, I hope so.
7:57pm: Now, for my picks! Well, I've only seen one of the Best Picture nominees: Million Dollar Baby. So, I'm rooting for that to win everything, even the awards it's not nominated for, like Best Visual Effects. (Maybe it should be - did you see Hillary Swank wallop those other women boxers? I hope that wasn't real!)
8:01pm: What, this thing doesn't actually start until 8:30? How do they get away with publishing incorrect starting times, just so they can get in another half hour of advertising?
8:02pm: Ah, Billy Bush. It's a Republican conspiracy - that's how they get away with it. I should have known.
8:03pm: Hillary Swank is very talented. And she's dressed very elegantly. But she has a gigantic mouth, and a very square jaw, and that, at times, make her look like a horse. It's a bit unfortunate.
8:06pm: What is wrong with Renee Zellweger? With her brown hair, and her over-inflated lips, she looks like quite old. Maybe it was gaining and losing and gaining and losing the weight for the Bridget Jones nonsense.
8:10pm: Well, this is sure crazy! Would you believe that the dress Virginia Madsen is wearing is the last one that she tried on? Imagine that!
8:14pm: How many times do you think they had to hit the chisel with the mallet in order to make Kirsten Dunst's dimples? I say eighteen.
8:21pm: Kevin on Antonio Banderas: "Does he ever wash his hair? I'm thoroughly convinced he does not." Of course, when you're Antonio Banderas, you don't have to.
8:29pm: Billy Bush just said that 50 statuettes are waiting backstage to be awarded in 24 categories. Doesn't that mean we could figure out who is going to win and who isn't? Like, if there's a group of 12 people, we know they're more likely to win, because those statues have to go to some people, right? I mean, they don't have more statues than they need, do they? Or maybe they have extras in case some break? I should use this information to gamble on the results.
8:31pm: Who is announcing the opening montage? My guess is Tom Hanks. Or maybe Dustin Hoffman. Can't quite be sure. Whoa - there was some Nicole Kidman nipple in that "Eyes Wide Shut" clip. Don't tell the FCC!
8:33pm: There are screens on the ceiling of the Kodak theater? Is that really necessary?
8:34pm: Shrek and Charlie Chaplin? Sure, why the hell not. It was kinda cute.
8:35pm: I have nothing to say during Chris Rock's monologue. The guy's still got it. Can we watch 4 hours of him?
8:43pm: If you were Halle Berry, would you just slap Chris Rock for that crack about "the eagerly-awaited Catwoman 2" ? I would. And doesn't Best Supporting Actor/Actress normally go first? Apparently I'm uninformed. Maybe the email the Academy was supposed to send me notifying me of changes got accidentally spam-filtered.
8:45pm: Two statuettes down, forty-eight to go. I don't know how I feel about bringing out every nominee on stage. I guess it makes things faster, but it still seems a bit weird.
8:49pm: Best Supporting Actor. Ok, Morgan, time to bring it home....here we go...an actual award...Morgan Freeman! It's about time! I wonder if he has a tattoo on the back of his head like Jamie Foxx does, but we can't see it because of his hair. I bet so.
8:55pm: You know, the juxtaposition of Robin Williams with Chris Rock just shows how old Robin Williams's schtick has gotten. I think that applause for him is just politeness. He looks like he's this close to being homeless.
8:57pm: Best Animated Feature. Is there any way this isn't The Incredibles? It was almost nominated for Best Picture. Waiting...waiting...Incredibles. Thought so. Hey, I'm two-for-two!
9:01pm: Best Makeup, done in the aisle by Cate Blanchett. (One of my favorite actresses.) This is the Oscars on speed, with the microphone in the middle of the aisle. Crazy. But I guess that's how you speed it up, eh? I wonder if the stars feel like it takes away from the specialness of their night, with everything being rushed so much. Ha, silly stars. Get rid of the songs! That will make it a lot faster, for sure. Are the songs that important, that they should take a cumulative 20 minutes? Why not show 20 minutes worth of scenes from the Best Picture nominees instead? I know, I know - it's marketing, and a good chance for cross-promotion with the music industry. I don't have to like it, though.
9:10pm: I'm leaving for my soccer game. Thank you, Lord TiVo, for allowing me to enjoy this magnificent spectacle at my leisure!
11:02pm: SCREW YOU, LORD TIVO! You didn't record what I told you to! How dare you defy me?!? So, I now have lost those two hours. Dammit. Well, I'll try and wrap up. Crap. At least we didn't miss the biggies.
11:12pm: Goodness, Hillary Swank, didn't you learn in the past not to thank yours lawyers? It's pretty obscene how lopsided it is in terms of the time they give the Best Actor/Actress people versus, say, the Art Direction people.
11:14pm: Best Foreign Language Film. When it doubt, the Oscar's going to go to the only person you've heard of - that's Alejandro Amenabar for "The Sea Inside".
11:15pm: Sam: "The best part about the non-native speakers is that they always keep their speeches really short." Well said, baby.
11:16pm: Best Original Screenplay. This is one of the few I really care about. It's gotta go to "Eternal Sunshine". I know it's not MOST Original, but I don't care. Woohoo! Go Charlie Kaufman. We'll promise to foget about "Adaptation" if you keep writing better and better stuff.
11:18pm: Those models that walk people to and from the podium are gigantic! Where do they get them, "Rent-an-Amazon" ?
11:23pm: Charlie Theron is presenting Best Actor. Kevin: "She looks less orange than she did last year." Sam: "Indeed."
11:24pm: Who's it going to be? My guess is Jamie Foxx. I know, don't go out on a limb, right? The winner is...Foxx, of course. Well, good for him. Maybe I should see the movie someday.
11:31pm: How would the Ramones feel if they knew "Blitzkreig Bop" was being used to sell Diet Pepsi? I think they'd be decidedly upset.
11:32pm: Julia Roberts (clearly still nursing) is presenting Best Director. I think it's gotta go to Marty. Nope! It goes to Clint Eastwood. Well, he deserved it. I guess Marty's going to have to wait. Man, I hope he gets it some day. Clint seems kinda nonplussed. Is there any way Million Dollar Baby doesn't win it all? Clint Eastwood's mother is here? At 96!? I thought HE was 96.
11:35pm: Who the hell was that in the balcony? Pam Grier?
11:36pm: The "Fockers" are announcing Best Picture. Dustin Hoffman seems like he might fall asleep at any moment. If it's not Million Dollar Baby, I'll be shocked. I would like to say it deserves it, but that's kinda unfair to all the others that I didn't see. Still, it's a great, well-made movie, so it won't be as horrible as, say, Gladiator winning. Yup, it won.
11:38pm: Well, that wraps it up. It doesn't seem like I missed a whole lot! And they got it in in almost 3 hours. Pretty impressive. Hope you enjoyed my account. Until next year!
P.S. I just realized what music they're using for the credits. It's the theme from "Terminator 2". Cool!
Comments:
Hey Dave!
Very funny, Dave. I actually sat through the whole thing - well, I multitasked, but basically saw the whole thing. You missed the part where Sean Penn chastized Chris Rock's opening monologue, when he said, "To answer my host's question, Jude Law is one of our finest actors."
I actually thought his opening speech rather cheeky, for the same reason you mentioned: he's antiestablishment, and it was rather shocking he'd say the things that, well, the rest of us would say, like, "When Halle Berry won the Oscar, Nicole Kidman should have won an Emmy for the smile pasted on her face!" Wow. And yeah, the Catwoman 2 thing was daring - although I heard that Halle Berry showed up to accept her Razzies award. At least she was in on the joke.
:)
Needless to say, I was happy when it was over - do you think Jamie Foxx practiced 'amost-not-crying' at home?
-Q
Post a Comment
Very funny, Dave. I actually sat through the whole thing - well, I multitasked, but basically saw the whole thing. You missed the part where Sean Penn chastized Chris Rock's opening monologue, when he said, "To answer my host's question, Jude Law is one of our finest actors."
I actually thought his opening speech rather cheeky, for the same reason you mentioned: he's antiestablishment, and it was rather shocking he'd say the things that, well, the rest of us would say, like, "When Halle Berry won the Oscar, Nicole Kidman should have won an Emmy for the smile pasted on her face!" Wow. And yeah, the Catwoman 2 thing was daring - although I heard that Halle Berry showed up to accept her Razzies award. At least she was in on the joke.
:)
Needless to say, I was happy when it was over - do you think Jamie Foxx practiced 'amost-not-crying' at home?
-Q
# posted by 
: March 1, 2005 at 11:18 PM
: March 1, 2005 at 11:18 PM
