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Monday, October 31, 2005

The Collector 

Take a look at these pictures. They are clearly the work of someone not of sound mind. What kind of sociopath would spend so much time on such a seemingly worthless endeavor? The meticulousness reveals a disturbing attention to detail that is usually only found in mass murderers.






















Ok, I admit it. The psycho responsible for this unsettling display is none other than myself. But my masterpiece is finally complete! I have acquired every single Simpsons Action Figure ever made. Well, that's not entirely true: I do not own the incredibly rare Save Blinky Bart, an oversight that gnaws at my soul each and every waking hour. But other than that, my masterpiece is done. Every figure in the 16 different series of action figures, I have. Every playset, I have. All of the special releases, including the ones you had to mail away for, I have. All the limited edition releases, I have. As I warned you, I am a dangerous, obsessive man, with a near pathological contempt for societal norms.

It was my so-called friend Dave Shear who started me down this dark, twisted road. Back in 2001, he purchased my first figure for me, one Ned Flanders. I was intrigued, and investigated this compelling line of toys. Much to my dismay, they had already released four waves of figures, many of which were sold out of the toy stores. Many of the special releases were no longer available. I tracked them down all over the state, voyaging from Toys 'R Us to Toys 'R Us, searching their shelves for old, rare figures. Often, I had to resort to eBay, as my urge would not abate.

Sadly, my obsession grew, continuing unchecked as new figures were released. Sometimes they were easy to fine, but often they were not. I was undeterred. I mailed away for special releases, and even called in a few favors from someone in the action figure business in order to obtain the rarest of the figures. Unlike the really, really crazy people, I did not leave the figures in their packaging. I opened them, allowing them to exhibit their "talking" feature in various playsets, revealing their true glory. My collection took up more and more space, both literally and metaphorically - I bought barrister bookcases (Actually, Sam gave me one as a gift one year) to properly display the little plastic effigies.

The Simpsons line was actually one of the longest-lived, most thorough line of action figures ever released. I like to believe that I am simply paying homage to a worthy recipient. The glorious line finally died out at Series 16, but I delayed obtaining the last 6 figures, possibly not wanting to believe that my life would no longer have a purpose once I had collected them all. The latest figures arrived today; the road ahead remains dark and unknown.

Yet I remain strong. Other opportunities will present themselves; indeed, they must. In the meantime, I present detailed photographs highlighting the passion of a true collector. I must warn you that these detailed figures are quite disturbing, as they reveal a truly disconcerting mindset. To merely gaze upon them may drive you into madness. Continue at your own risk!



And there you have it. A frightening look into the abyss. The implications are too numerous too outline here, and I fear that I have disturbed you enough with this look at my collection. Indeed, it is just a glimpse into dementia. And now, I remain an obssessive man without a target, a barely seaworthy boat adrift in a dark, dangerous sea. One day, I will once again find another mooring, but until then, I remain...


The COLLECTOR!

Comments:
To nobody's surprise, I feel compelled to comment on this matter...

1. Obviously, the best Simpsons stuff that you have are the two large objects that you relegated to the top of the bookshelf: the Krusty the Clown doll with the good/evil switch, and the Krusty the Clown phone. Coincidentally, I bought both of those for you.

2. What is the Krusty the Clown phone doing on the bookshelf?!?! Why isn't it on the bedroom nightstand where it can get regular use?

3. Where is the Simpsons-themed Squishy Maker I bought you? Hopefully that's in the kitchen receiving regular use.

4. In your next entry, I demand that you post a picture of you wearing the Milhouse "Nerd Power" lounge/pajama pants. No Simpsons collection is complete without those.

5. How can you not have "Save Blinky Bart"? If I was rich, I'd buy that for you as your wedding present. Unfortunately, though, I'm not rich.

6. To my knowledge, there is no Arnie Pie (the news helicopter pilot/reporter) action figure. How is this possible? He was a quasi-significant character in a few episodes, much more significant than some of the other figures. Of all the figures I'd want, this one is obviously now high on my list, and not having him really does gnaw at my soul each and every hour.

7. I remember the first time I saw these action figures, which of course lead down this dark road. I was meeting Dan Feller for dinner back when I worked for Meade...while waiting for a table, we wandered around the shopping center and into Toys R Us, where we stumbled upon the figures. I believe I bought Mr. Burns on the spot, but I'm not sure.

8. Unlike Dave in his madness, I restrict my collection to the only truly great characters. I should post a picture of my desk at work, but I'm not that clever, so I'll list the characters instead: Halloween set with Kodos, Kang, and Homer, complete with the book "How to Cook for Forty Humans". Number One and Stonecutter Homer, Mr. Bruns, Sideshow bob (in prison gear with the infamous rake), 5 mini figures from the astronaut episode (Homer, Barney, Buzz Aldrin, the lead scientist guy, and the super-intelligent monkey on roller skates). I also have a blinky shaped thing that similar to a stress reliever ball.

-Shear
 
By the way, if the pictures are all screwed up and on top of each other, play with the width of your browser. Blogger doesn't allow you to post blocks of pictures, and I'm too lazy to make it perfect.
 
Fine, your richly deserved reply, Mr. Shear.

1) The doll is pretty nifty, and fits nicely with the theme, don't you think? If the head wasn't hard plastic, it would be nice and soft and cuddly and I could take it to bed with me as a teddy bear. Oh well. Besides, I don't consider these objects "relegated" - they're in the place of honor, atop the shelf. Relegated would be the back of the closet, or buried in the backyard.

2) It is unbelievable, incredibly annoying. Or, if you prefer, you can choose to believe that it's so valuable and rare that I don't want to lower its value by using.

3) Yes, it's in the kitchen, and I've used it twice. Essentially, all it does is super-cool liquids. That's nice and all, but the problem is that once you're done, you have to wash each of its 500 sticky parts by hand.

4) I think I'd have to charge for those pictures. The public doesn't deserve to look at such majesty for free.

5) Boy, Sam would love that. If you were to buy me that, I would sell it, and buy like a car with it. Even I have my limits.

6) I agree. There are some really stupid characters. Like if you look at the last series, there's "Brain-Freeze Bart", which is Bart looking crazy because he drank a cold Squishee. Stupid. Most of the other characters are cool, although I could have done without "Louie" and "Legs".

7) This is an important component of the legend. You better get your facts straight. I think it's also important to note that some time ago, Ned's chef's hat fell behind one of the shelves, and got shoved against the wall. When I moved (two times ago), I found it, shmushed a bit, but it still fits on his head, kind of.

8) There are many other great characters. There is a Deep Space Homer, as well as a Stonecutter Moe, all of the Be Sharps, Stephen Hawking, Ralph Wiggum, and quite a few more. One day, maybe you can witness them in their in-person glory.
 
i am kind of shy with this blog stuff, but this sight will make the quietest person talk.

some time back i was going to complain that your blog was all talk, talk, talk, and no pictures here and there to catch my breath.

but now? nevermind! keep the pictures to yourself!

federico
 
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